


Running on Low (all the way home)

by GibbousLunation



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Bullying, Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrations, Jealousy, Leo loves his brothers so much but he's a little silly about it, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, mikey is genderfluid but uses he in this, rated for language, this is a fic about paradigms shifting and making bad jokes in the middle of a meltdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GibbousLunation/pseuds/GibbousLunation
Summary: It wasn’t that Leo was jealous, really. He wasn’t. Promise.OR: the one where Leo has a bad day.
Relationships: Leonardo & Michelangelo (TMNT)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 122
Collections: A couple heart-to-hearts are needed





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Human AU belongs to: [befuddledbun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/befuddledbun)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is a collaborative project sort of thing with the lovely [nebulabun](https://nebulabun.tumblr.com/)(tumblr/insta) and [soldraws ](https://soldrawss.tumblr.com) (twitter/tumblr/insta) I've spent far too much time messing with. This takes place in Jin's human AU where they're all in high school living with splinter and were adopted as kids together.
> 
> PLEASE look out for both of their amazing art I'll be adding to the upcoming chapters they're incredibly talented! And consider checking out Jin's fic in this same AU as well <3
> 
> The title card is my art!

* * *

  
“So, picking you up after class then?”

Mikey pushed a hand through his curls. “Oh, sorry Leo! I have film club today, you don’t have to stick around after, Todd said his mom could drive me.”

Leo nodded, shrugging his bag higher up on his shoulder. “No biggie. Did you still want me to help you study for History? I found a really good dramatic re-enactment, and you can tell your teacher it’s 100% guaranteed to have less kung fu references this time, I swear.”

Mikey beamed at him. “You mean it? I’d love to! Oh…. Wait, I told Sunita I’d study with her tomorrow… Can we do Friday?”

Leo forced a smile. “Nah, don’t worry about it, sure you’ll ace it anyways.” He reached over to tousle Mike’s hair. “Get off to class, you rapscallion. Can’t have Ms. Lowitz mad at you again.”

“She always forgives me! You know no one can stay mad at this face,” he grinned and skipped off down the hall. “See you later, Leon!”

Leo waved a hand vaguely. “Yeah, bro!” 

Another night alone for him then, with Don holed up in his room and Raph working and figuring out his diploma exams. What was one more night with the TV and a bag of stale chips to widen the encroaching panic about the end of the summer? One more little measly crisis about the inevitability of change under his belt? He’d be fine. Not like having Mikey around to talk about how amazing everything was for him always would help much anyways. Probably better if he just made an excuse to stay in his room, or go to the mall or something, god forbid he hear more about how many wonderfully lucky things happened to his littlest brother, or whatever it was this week. 

He loved his brothers; he was amazingly proud of each of them for their successes and talents and just generally how hard they all worked constantly. Raph had really found his niche with the debate club initially, and was working really hard with his college apps that were sure to land him in his dream school if the glowing recommendations from his teachers were anything to go by. Donnie was always miles ahead of everyone around him and skipping grades left and right just so school could keep up with him, he’d already gotten like four offers for his dream schools practically before the semester even started. 

And then, Mikey. His little bro practically waltzed in day one and immediately had half the school bending over backwards for him. Maybe his grades weren’t always fantastic but the parts of high school that were meant to be nightmarish and embarrassing just seemed to bounce right off of him. Practically nailed all of his extracurriculars first try, too. Photography? Art galleries called him to set up a display. Art? Please, Mike practically taught the class. Film club? Already president somehow. Everything he touched just turned to pure gold, apparently.

In theory, that was fantastic. Leo had always had a bit of a soft protective spot for his babiest brother, he’d been a bit of a clumsy kid growing up and was so earnest about everything Leo tried everything to keep the bad parts of living as far away as possible from him. Even in their various foster home excursions, Mikey had somehow held onto the belief someone would love all of them the same, never worrying about getting split up the way the rest of them obsessed over. Mike had always exuded this ‘believing the best in the world’ sort of radiance, like he thought he could make it better just by being there. And he did, more often than not. 

It wasn’t that Leo was jealous, really. He wasn’t. Promise. 

It was just, well. Sometimes, it was like him and Mike were on different sides of a glass plane. Mikey the protagonist adventurer who fell through and found a magical world and a prophecy he just immediately fit, while Leo was stuck here in dreary old day to day reality. It was like there was an alternate part of himself, some many spiked gnawing thing that just grew a little bit more every day, no matter how hard he tried to keep it down. Regular, boring old Leo didn't have a good reason to be upset, so he didn't let himself. He was fine. 

Leo was popular, in some circles. The basketball team liked him, mostly. His classmates enjoyed his jokes, probably. But sometimes, when he was alone in the hallway after Mikey had gotten enveloped in some group of friends he never had time to introduce, or Don had been called over by a teacher to re-explain an equation or fix the computers in the office, where people… said things. 

_“Can you tell Mikey to come to my party next weekend? Bro is always on the run. Oh, uh. Make sure it's just him, alright? Raph can come too, course but. You know how Bluey is.”_

_“What I wouldn’t give to be related to Don, too bad brains don’t seem to run all the way through the family. That Mike guy seems to make it work for him at least.”_

Every day, snippets would just creep out at him. Bonus of having the most popular kid in school for a brother, probably, along with the debate team’s MVP, and a notorious somewhat legendary nerd twin. It was all mostly just mumbled comments when they thought he was out of ear shot, sometimes trash talk from other teams before a game, sniped whispers here and there. He knew it was all just jealousy, he had the coolest family in the world, but that thorned thing in his chest just pressed upwards and outwards a little more every time anyways. Raph and Don were in the grade higher anyways, therefore inherently cool. Any animosity he'd held towards his 'twin' had been sharply snuffed out as children because honestly, Don's mind was so incredible it was like being jealous of a tornado or something equally as untamable. But, well. Mikey was his baby sibling. Newly fifteen and covered in self assuredness Leo had fought for, got himself all figured out already like it was easy. 

Like getting into an art gallery as a teen was normal, or landing the lead role on his first audition ever. 

It wasn’t Mikey’s fault, obviously, so Leo could keep it packed away. Just helped, not having to spend full weekends listening to how perfect everything was for his bro while Leo was practically holding his life together with duct tape. Maybe that's what he needed anyways, a nice good old Golden Girls moment to himself just to pack all of the stress and confusion somewhere else so he could believe he was happy for Mikey again. So seeing Mike's name plastered everywhere didn't sting so much. 

The last week had been a fluster of midterms and practices, of stern talks about grades and what he wanted to do in the future, and the sinking awful realization that change wasn't something any of them could avoid. That despite being attached at the hip for most of their lives, soon Raph and Don would be like, hours away. Maybe a plane ride away. Have their own lives Leo wasn't a part of anymore. He was just stressed probably, that's why his smiles all felt flaky and forced. Why he couldn't sleep well anymore apparently, why he'd fallen back into awful old guilty pleasures like teenage werewolf dramas. 

Maybe he just needed a day off. 

“Mr. Hamato, are you planning on joining us sometime today?” 

“Wha- oh.” Leo snapped his gaze towards the front of the room, his English teacher tapped her foot impatiently on the ground and fixed him with an intensely exasperated look. Yikes. A quiet burst of snickers filled the room around him. He felt his ears burn slightly, and sat up straighter in his chair. 

“Course Mrs. P! Always ready for your riveting lectures, born ready for ‘em, actually. What uh…. What were we talking about again? Just as a refresher?” 

If anything, her frown only deepend. “We were discussing the section of Hamlet I’d asked for you to read over the weekend. The portion outlining Hamlet’s shift into taking responsibility, specifically, strangely enough. I had hoped you would be so kind as to grace us with your insights?” 

Thing was, Leo had actually read Hamlet. He’d burned through it earlier in the semester because he’d thought it was interesting, and then watched the Star Trek episode ‘Conscience of the King’ and thought about how thematically they were similar, how it was interesting the ways in which both kids inherited previous issues they themselves had little to do with, but then he’d gotten side tracked by a Jupiter Jim marathon and couldn’t remember which parts were from which. 

“Uh,” He started.

“As I suspected,” his teacher interrupted. “Remember, class to actually read the assigned portion. No, Lion King is not an acceptable substitute.”

The class burst into snickers, Leo sunk down a little. 

“Now, if you have decided not to participate today, I suggest you head to the principal’s office and explain your lack of consideration for my time to him, Mr. Hamato.” 

Leo probably could have argued, realistically. He could have had a cool movie moment and so thoroughly and in depth explained the concepts of grey morality and inheriting your parents guilt and blown her away, got the class cheering for him instead. The regular cool Leo that lived only partly in his brain had no issue doing things like that, loudly talking back with a perfectly timed pun or quip the way Jupiter Jim would. 

And maybe he would have, too, if it wasn’t for the badly concealed insult-inside-a-cough from the kid behind him.

“Idiot.” He snorted. Leo blinked and turned around.  


The guy behind him was a shaggy haired snob, the kind of kid who knew his parents had enough money he’d never really have to try at anything, so decided to embrace that as a personality trait. Spent all his time making snipe-y comments at everyone that dared breathe near him.

“What?” Leo managed.

He smirked. “Pretty sure I called you a dumbass, dumbass. Bet you get your brother to do all your homework for you, don’t you Leo-nerdo.”

Ouch. Actually, he thought abruptly, maybe it was time to lay down all the bravado and smirks he wanted, really tell this kid off and let out the steam in his chest with rapturous applause to greet him. He inhaled, slid a casual lopsided smile into place on his cheeks.

“Funny, that you’d-”

“Mr. Hamato! I believe I suggested you leave my classroom.”

Leo’d never really got that whole ‘universe working against you’ bit that people moped about in movies. Seemed a little too perfect to have the exact wrong things go wrong at the exact worst time. But as he tried to stand up to leave the room, face heating and anger burning in his chest, the strap of his bag caught on the back of his chair and sent the whole thing toppling over loudly. 

Everyone was looking at him with varying levels of mirth and secondhand embarrassment, like an oppressive wave of disgust slapping him directly across the face. Less rapturous applause and more oppressive mocking laughter, then, huh.

Today was evidently, not his day.

  
___

There’d been something bubbling under his veins the last few days, some sort of apocalyptic omen of an end time Leon couldn’t see coming fast enough. He generally didn’t follow the logic of bad things piling up, sort of danced through them as their own separate issues, shook the debris off himself and carried on. 

Yes, the fight about kendo and fencing had been sort of precariously near implosion, and Dad finding out about Leo withdrawing from the end of the year tournament had been practically a signed, sealed, and hand delivered pin needle directly towards that inflating hot balloon. Yes, Leo had woken up late and been a little snippy, and maybe said some things about how Dad’s Big Shadow-y Shoes were a lot to put on every morning he hadn’t meant to, but. Well, Dad didn’t really hold grudges against his sons. They both just needed to cool off and Leo could shake off the bad vibes from the day, and it’d be fine. Dad would bring him tea and actually listen and maybe Leo could admit that the kendo title felt like an anchor he couldn’t get loose from, made him panicky in ways he didn’t fully understand, or he wouldn’t but it would still be fine. 

They did say bad things came in three’s though. 

Maybe he should have pieced together that the sort of fight brewing with Splinter turning into an all out yelling match right before class wasn’t going to be the end of it. Maybe he should have braced for the inevitable fallout of the seemingly hundreds of impulsive decisions he’d been making since the start of the school term a few months earlier. 

Maybe he should have wondered why he was making them at all. 

Unfortunately, Leo had a sort of bad habit he didn’t want to address. One that involved skirting the edges of any deep dark sandpit of thought that opened up beneath him, and refusing to acknowledge it at all until he could find a place to shove it. He didn’t have any problems that needed thinking on because there weren’t any problems. Nope, nothing to see here. Any trains of thought carrying a shipment of problems? Oh no, the train’s off the rails, into the snow banks of the mountains below. No survivors. 

He didn’t do the school play this year because he wanted to focus more on basketball, that was all. He’d skipped out on yearbook and let the camera he’d spent months saving for gather dust in his closet because it just wasn’t his thing anymore. He’d stopped going out with the guys because he really wanted to ace this Geography quiz so his coach didn’t make him run laps next week (oops), or give him a stern lecture about schooling being equally important or whatever. He’d quit kendo because he wanted to. That was all. 

Some days he slapped these facts like a stapler into his brain and pretended it would be strong enough to hold back everything else, so it was. Other days, like today evidently, that wasn’t enough.

___

  
“Hey Leon! Saved Mike a spot but I guess you’ll have to do, huh?” 

Leo moved towards his friends usual lunch hang out spot, noticing the way April shot a look Benji’s way at the comment, and plastered a smile even wider. The headache he’d been nursing since the first period was really working itself into something ferocious now. He’d debated going to the nurses earlier, but given his performances in class lately… something told him Splinter would be a little up in arms about things. The last thing he needed today was more pressure from Dad. 

Besides, the principal wasn’t exactly feeling forgiving towards him in particular at the moment, according to their awkward discussion in his office about “respect” and “destruction of class property with or without intention”. Missing class would only add to the laps Coach was going to make him run on Monday.

“Aw come on, what would any of you do without my amazing wit and good looks.” He stuck his tongue out, and plopped somewhat gracefully into the available spot at their table. It was funny to think, once upon a time Raph and Don would join them for lunch too, and it had been Leo who’d been saving spots left and right. Well, sort of funny. 

April smiled at him and rolled her eyes good naturedly. “How was your Geography quiz today?” 

Leo winced a little, digging into his food to hide the expression. “Fine, probably.”

Travis laughed from down the table, “You totally blanked, didn’t you? Man, shame you and your twin aren’t related. What I wouldn’t give to have Don write all my exams for me.” 

“Mmm, could get Don to write all your tests, Raph to grab things up high and talk you out of trouble, and Mikey for- well, everything else.” Benji laughed. “Ah, speak of the devil! Here comes the Mikester!” 

Immediately the mood of the table shifted, Benji shuffling to give Mikey a space directly beside Leo.

He stifled a sigh. 

They’d all sort of always had the same friends more or less, just easier considering they didn’t exactly have the luxury of too much privacy at home and were all attached at the hip anyways. It had never been a problem before, not until Mikey started his junior year anyways. Just something about your younger brother being better friends with your own friends was… frustrating in a way Leo hated himself for feeling. It was great that Mikey got along so well with his friends. It was! It was. 

“Hey Trav! You excited for the movie this weekend? Been reading all sorts of reviews on it all week!” 

“Man, you know I am. The sequel better be half as good as the original, I swear.” 

“Heard it’s even better! April, you wanna join us?” Benji winked. “Not a movie night without you!”

She paused for a moment, gaze flickering over to Leo. “Uh-”

“Leo you wanna come too? You don’t have practice this weekend, right?” Mikey smiled up at him. 

He absolutely did not miss the way Benji’s expression dimmed slightly, and felt every ounce of it. 

“Nah, that’s okay bro. Gotta help Splinter with stuff this weekend.” 

“I’ll skip too. Sunita and I are going on a hike.” April added. She gave Leo a strange look he refused to meet. 

“Alright, no worries. We can watch it again next weekend maybe, if it’s any good, which! Remains to be seen,” Travis shrugged. “Oh! Mikester, I heard a funny little rumor today. Someone said you were thinking of trying out for basketball next year?”

Leo could have sworn the floor had just entirely fallen out of existence beneath him. Every inch of him felt ice cold and red hot all at once. Mikey laughed and ducked his head beside him, and Leo fell somewhere just outside of time. 

“Aw, I dunno! I told Chris not to tell anyone. Just an idea I had, you know? Thought it might be fun!” 

Mikey, who always succeeded at everything he did. Mikey, who had four hundred clubs and a million friends, who flounced into drama class and immediately snagged Leo’s previous leading role without even trying, was going to play basketball. He could have choked on his sandwich for all he felt attached to his own body in that moment. 

Leo stood up with as much casualty as he could manage, before his body did something stupid like combust. Not that it would because Leo was fine. It was fine. Everything was. Fine. 

“Ahhh, I forgot I’m supposed to grab a book from the library before next period. Catch you doofuses later!” 

Mikey looked up at him with a head tilt, a bit of disappointment ringing in his wide eyes. April tried to catch his attention again but Leo was already on his way out of the cafeteria before she could follow. 

Usually he was pretty good at seeming alright with all of it. Usually, he could pretend the way that his own baby brother invited him to things with his friends because they didn’t think to otherwise was just how things went. Usually, he’d just make plans with April instead. There was an infinitude of boxes he piled up in the back corners of his mind and did not address, and he’d just add this newest hiccup there, tighten up his smile a little more, and pretend the encroaching door of Unnamed Grievances was perfectly normal and contained. 

Today, awfully, unfortunately, everything felt wildly off kilter. 

Today, he had a headache, felt more tired than he had in years, and he’d spent all night thinking about how Raph and Donnie would be leaving them to go somewhere farther away than they’d ever been. Leaving him. Today, the one last bastion of talent he’d been holding onto was evaporating in front of his eyes. Once again, someone just copy-pasted Mikey in where Leo had been and found out how much better his bro was than him anyways. 

_“Why can’t you be more like Orange?”_ Dad’s words from this morning felt sharp and hot in his heart. “ _He’s still doing kendo and art and some play thing, and- he knows how important this is!”_

_“Important to you!”_ Leo shouted back _. “I just want to be normal for once, maybe!”_

He was being dramatic, this was stupid, but he couldn’t help but feel the veritable tipping point clutch and spiral into a freefall with every step out of the cafeteria anyways.

_Just get to the bathroom_ , he’d been thinking. _The bathroom, nice stall. Quiet little meltdown, come back out smiling. You can still fix this._

It felt bitter even in his thoughts. 

The spiked thing in his chest was loud, big and abrasive and taking up far too much room, and he didn’t know how to think around it. Mikey was joining basketball. Mikey was going to try out for basketball, and he’d probably be amazing at it like everything else he did, and Leo’s teammates already liked him better anyways and- 

Leo felt so strange and disconnected it took him a full three minutes to realize he’d walked directly into someone, and another two to understand what they were saying. 

“- the hell?! Just because Raph’s your brother doesn’t mean I won’t kick the shit out of you, creep.” 

Leo blinked. “Oh, sorry. ‘Scuse me.” 

The guy in front of him was tall, looming, all blonde hair and letterman jacketed, surrounded by a group of near carbon copies, and deeply unhappy looking. Leo was pretty sure he’d never met them before, probably for good reason. The guy sneered. 

“Whatever.”

One of his friends behind him pulled the guy away. “Not even worth your time, man.” 

“Yeah,” another piped up. “Zero-nardo just needs to learn his manners.” He gave Leo a pointed, nasty look, that locked him entirely in place. _Hey,_ _at least one of them knows who I am_ , he thought dizzily.

The many thorned-twist in his chest had become massive, a writhing tangle of panicked awful half-thoughts, a lightning burn underneath his skin. 

“Least I don’t have to learn proper hygiene,” the words were out of his mouth before he could think. Where they’d usually be bouncy and full of snark was a cold monotone, something practically begging for an argument.   
Here we go, he thought, even as Big Guy grabbed a fist full of Leo’s shirt and backed him into the row of lockers behind him. 

“What did you say, shit for brains?” The guy growled, and yeah, huh being up close and personal really didn’t help the whole ‘good hygiene’ argument at all. 

“Listen, today’s been kind of bad all over, can’t we save this for like. I dunno. Tomorrow? Schedule you in for next Monday?”

He was starting to feel a little afraid, not of the idiot breathing cigarette and rot directly into his face, but of the way he couldn’t feel any of it. Like a crayon drawing stretched too far outside the lines, a bit unsteady and floating without an anchor. He genuinely didn’t know what might happen, feeling like he was watching someone else act out a scripted version of himself, or a captive pilot on a crashing plane. 

In hindsight, the punch to the gut was the next logical step. Had he been more aware and less inverted and upside down, he could have avoided it maybe. As it were, the punch and the lack of recoil room behind him drove all the air from his lungs in an ugly gasp, and left little in the way of saving himself. 

That was gonna be one ugly bruise, he thought vaguely. 

“That’s a warning, Zero.” The guy leaned close to his ear.

Still wheezing, Leo collapsed to the floor the moment his shirt was free from the guy’s grasp, trying to catch his breath and keep the sting in his eyes from showing too visibly. 

“Just you wait until next year. Without your brothers to save your sorry ass, I think we’ll have plenty of time to make sure you learn your lesson.” 

Part of him wanted to reply, maybe rile the group up a little more and see what they could really throw at him. Maybe he thought in some messed up way, getting the shit kicked out of him would justify everything else. Maybe he thought he deserved it. The rest of him was disconnected, ravenous with the sort of realization that nothing really stuck, that his brothers would leave next year and Mikey would blot out the sun with his own second sun, and nothing Leo did would ever matter as much as that. 

He was trembling all over, he knew. He couldn’t feel anything other than thorns and spikes and a rising bitter panic, even as he shouldered his way through the exit door and took off towards home. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chap features two fantastic artworks from the lovely [nebulabun ](https://www.nebulabun.tumblr.com) ! If you're as amazed by these as I am make sure to drop them a line! 
> 
> Mild warnings for panic attacks for this chapter!

It was stupid, it was so stupid. The whole day, all of it. The way he was letting himself be a pathetic mess over one punch, over one more thing Mikey was amazing at.  _ Stupid, stupid stupid.  _

He stared at himself in their dim bathroom lighting, the way his dark hair stuck out at odd angles, the blue dye making it look practically catastrophic. The wild look to his eyes, the clammy skin; none of it felt like him, somehow. As if the version falling apart in front of him was a stranger, someone who never learned how to keep their shit properly together, because he should be  _ fine. _

_ _

So maybe he was a zero, it wasn’t anything he didn’t know. He’d always been a bit too fake around the edges, a little bit not enough. So what if there was nothing else behind that? 

Everything was fine, it had to be. He didn’t know how to let it not be.

Leo just needed a minute, just one minute to stuff himself back in the right shape, remold himself into the type of Leo he was supposed to be. Figure out how to gracefully bow out of Mike’s ongoing spotlight without it hurting too much. Just like, five minutes. Tops. Then he’d be back to normal.

The knock at the door should have been par for the course at this point. 

“Blue? Is that you?” His dad’s voice drifted through the thin wood. 

Leo scrubbed a hand through his hair, and splashed a bit of water on his face. The cold felt a bit more grounding, like he could slip his own hands back on at least. 

“Yeah, dad.” 

“You’re early! Skipping class?” Leo rubbed the bridge of his nose. 

“Just not feelin’ great today. Sorry,” he called back, hoping that would be enough for now. 

Splinter fell silent for a minute. “Your school called about a fight.”

Ah, and that would be the rest of his composure cracking apart, huh. 

“Leonardo.” Oh, full name too? Great. “I thought I’d taught you better than to use your kendo for things like this-this… school scuffle stuff. Maybe it’d be best if you quit-”

“I got punched!” Leo had slammed the door open without thinking, blinking right into Dad’s concerned eyes. The spikes were back, everything fell a little farther into unreality. “I walked into a guy, and he pinned me to a locker and punched me. Didn’t fight back, didn’t defend myself, not injured, it’s fine.”

Splinter looked… taken aback. He frowned. “So, some kid punched you. And they’re saying you got into a fight?” 

Leo shrugged. “I dunno. Sure, I fought, fine. Okay. Didn’t happen, but I just- I want to go to bed, can I?” He wasn’t going to entirely break down in front of his father, he wasn’t. That would be grossly not okay, and he was. Okay, that is. Or  _ he  _ would be, if he could just have a second. Five minutes. A day. 

“Well, I-” Splinter paused, some of the sharp lines of his face eased as his eyes tracked across Leo’s face. He rubbed the bridge of his nose with a long sigh, and a bit of his age seemed to catch up with him for a moment. It made Leo feel awkward, guilty for bringing this up at all. Splinter was always larger than life talk, lazy couch sitting and surprising agility. Leo’d never really thought about him as old, but in the fluorescent light from the bathroom, weighed down with confusion and Leo’s incomprehensibility, he seemed…. Smaller. Tired. 

Leo absolutely hated it.

“Fine. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Dad nodded, and carefully patted Leo’s arm. “Get some rest, Blue.” 

It was almost worse that Splinter was being understanding, that he clearly had wanted to be angry and argue and demand explanations, but just...turned it off. For him. Leo felt like yelling maybe, or lying down and not moving for a very long time, or just leaving to sit in a field somewhere with nothing but the sky and the grass and no sense of anything else. 

He shuffled to his room instead. 

“You…” Splinter called from behind him. Leo froze. “You know you can… talk to me, right, Blue? About uh, anything that’s going on.” 

A slightly hysterical laugh clawed at his throat, he forced it back down. His mind flickered through all their arguments about sports and basketball and quitting ‘his actual talent’, and how many games Splinter hadn’t shown up for. How he genuinely wanted nothing but the best for his sons and had put aside a full career just to make sure he could give them a home to share together.

“Yeah, Dad. I know.” 

He somehow managed to pull himself to his bedroom, close the door with a vague kick of dragging limbs and fall face first into bed. The last four hours, had it only been four hours? Weighed on him in impossibly thick coils. Leo wasn’t sure if he’d ever been so tired, and so simultaneously overwhelmed. He just wanted to sleep.

His phone vibrated beside him. Blearily he managed to open it enough to read the screen. 

**B-ball boys**

Trav: Leo. Coach is pissed. You got in a fight?

Mika: dude….

Benji: man, you know you cant do shit like that

Trav: Coach says youre benched. 

Trav: Gotta talk to the principal. If you get suspended you might be off the team.

Manny: :grimace: 

Benji: So much for our star player 

Another vibration.

Bat-girl (April): Leo, you okay? Mike said you left early.

  
  


The words went all blurry, and the vice grip in his chest was so overwhelming. The basketball chat kept updating but he couldn’t read anything beyond ‘off the team’, over and over. He’d given up so much for basketball, he’d worked so hard to prove he was good enough, that he loved it enough to really focus on it. He’d fought with dad, given up theater, made friends- to have all that vanish on him? 

It wasn’t fair, he hadn’t even defended himself! 

Or maybe he had? He had been feeling all left ways and detached then, outside looking in. Had he swung? Maybe he’d started it after all, and he was just as much of a screwup as everyone always saw him as. Zero-nardo, least liked of the Hamato’s, not worth shit without his bros nearby, overshadowed in everything he did because he just wasn’t good enough. 

“It’s not fair,” he rolled onto his back, squeezing his shirt with one hand. His voice sounded strangled, warped. About two seconds from demolition. He was panicking, he knew he was, but there was a big empty spiral in the center of himself and there wasn’t enough room to skirt by on the edges. He had to tumble directly in, had no choice, and there wasn’t anything to hold onto.

_ This is stupid, _ he told himself firmly.  _ Stop it, just stop. Get up.  _

The hitch-lock step of his chest stuttered, and a whine pulled itself out from somewhere between. 

He shut his eyes as tightly as possible, imagined a steel door sliding into place, imagined stuffing all those thoughts in a back room and setting it on fire. Sealing it all up behind him. 

He was fine, everything was _ fine.  _ And if it wasn’t, well. 

No one had to know, right?

____

  
  


He must have fallen asleep somewhere mid breakdown, which was for the best. Not that it had helped at all, evidently; his eyes felt swollen, his whole head aching with pressure. Subpar, for sure. 

The brief moment between sleep and waking up where he forgot everything that was going on and felt the sunlight trickling in from the window in full glory just made the crushing weight of reality that much more cruel. Kinda felt like maybe he was still asleep, a bad dream that hadn’t let go quite yet, tendrils trailing thick and sludgy around his shoulders as he sat upright. 

How had everything gone to complete hell in one day? It seemed like a lot of impossibilities to overcome all in one sitting. He either needed to snag a lottery card or do absolutely nothing ever again, and the latter was definitely more compelling from where he sat. 

Maybe his life had always been teetering this knife edge towards collapse, not like he’d really felt stable ever. Bound to mess that careful balance up eventually, right?

He tossed an arm over his eyes and groaned. Leo weighed the benefits of risking a walk to the bathroom to grab a painkiller with the off chance that his brothers were home. News traveled so fast in their school, there wasn’t a way Raph hadn’t heard about it and  _ man _ , he was not looking forward to a lecture about ‘anger’ or ‘being the bigger person’ right now. The idea of looking anyone in the eye, seeing all that disappointment and disgust or whatever, felt like swallowing glass. Or rather, like he was the glass and he was one strong breeze away from shattering. 

His head really was pounding though, an off tempo rhythm juxtaposed with his heartbeat like five Raph’s tap dancing right behind his eyes. There wasn’t really a way he was going to get back to sleep without at least an Advil. Crap. 

“What’s the worst that can happen?” He huffed to himself, and shakily got to his feet. 

His bedroom seemed messier than last time he’d really stopped to take a look, too many odds and ends in the way for his groggy, brain fried self. Leo almost stepped directly on his skateboard twice before managing to reach the doorknob. There hadn’t really been a lot of time to clean up last year, with all his different commitments. Didn’t really have the same excuse this year, though. Maybe apathy? Yeah, probably apathy. 

Creaking open his door, he rubbed at his face. It was noticeably darker outside than when he’d stumbled into his room initially; hard to tell if it was midnight or noon with all the stuff he’d plastered around his room and the thick curtains he never really opened anymore. It was eerily quiet, but there wasn’t the telltale chainsaw snoring from Dad echoing down the hall, so probably not late enough that Leo would have an easy time slipping back to his room unnoticed. 

He really, really, wanted to avoid talking to anyone right now, thanks.  _ Please, universe, whatever reason you’re feeling today needs to be a ‘screw Leo over in particular’ event, can you just give me this one thing? Just this, won’t ask for anything else. Tomorrow you can dunk me in the ocean or get me to step in cement like a cartoon or whatever other thing you have up your universe sleeve.  _

_ I just need the rest of today to lose my mind quietly, then I promise I’ll take whatever punches you got, okay? _

“-news, but I’m not sure?” Mikey’s voice trailed up the stairs the closer Leo crept to the bathroom. Ah, so the universe had other ideas. Not done wrecking Leo’s life in minute ways yet, it seemed. 

It was a testament to the hushed tones Mikey was speaking in that Leo hadn’t heard him the second he’d opened his door; they didn’t exactly live in a mansion, the term ‘paper thin walls’ had nothing on the Hamato residence. Leo had begged to have a separate room last year, as opposed to sharing with Don like they’d always done (the late night computer clacking and infinite mugs of coffee were a Lot for a teenager who loved sleep like it was a championship event), and managed to fit his stuff in the ‘office’ through some magic. Otherwise, there was little to no privacy in their entire home. Crowded was a word some used, cozy was the one Leo usually opted for. 

Usually. 

Today it was feeling a bit more cramped than welcome. 

“Aw, come on Mike! Can’t leave us hanging.” That would be Raph too. 

“The likelihood of this big secret you have being genuinely interesting is only increasing with every moment you don’t tell us what it is, Michael.” And Don too? Oh, so this was a family meeting. One Leo hadn’t been invited to. That… practically never happened. Last time they’d had a family meeting without one of the Hamato’s had been, well, before they’d met Splinter probably.

Leo’d reached the bathroom, but the idea of heading back to his room seemed less appealing now, curiosity mixing in with something sharp in his chest again. He swallowed roughly, and crept closer to the stairwell. 

“It’s just, um… I, I don’t really know what to do? I want to talk to Leo, but-” 

Dad cut in, “not the best idea today, Orange. Tomorrow’s not looking so great either.” 

“Wait, what?” Donnie seemed genuinely confused at least, so the news of Leo’s screw up today hadn’t permeated through the entire school. Just, yanno, most of it.

Raph sighed. “There was a rumor that Leo got in a fight today? Doesn’t sound like him, though… Something’s going on for sure.” 

“There’s no way he did!” Mikey squeaked. “I know the guys they’re saying he fought with, they just don’t like him for no reason! I tried to talk to Brad about it but…” 

Leo’s grip tensed on the hand rail. Oh, of course they knew Mikey and liked him just fine. Of course they did, why not just hate Leo but love his baby brother. Everyone else seemed to feel the same way. 

“Either way, it’s. Well, it’s bad news for the basketball thing,” Raph ended sadly. Raph would understand, of course. He’d had his own history with accidents and not knowing his own strength years ago, and had spent a lot of time working that down into his gentle loveable self. Leo felt a rush of affection for his big brother, mixed in with the absolute dread of knowing Raph was entirely right. 

“They wouldn’t just kick him off for one fight, would they?” Don sounded angry, which also made sense given the… incident from the beginning of the year. “Who am I kidding, of course they would. Probably without asking his side of events, no doubt.” 

Leo’s gut twisted again, ice flooding his veins at the thought.  _ It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not-- _

Maybe eavesdropping wasn’t the best idea, actually. It was nice to know his family was worried about him, but it was beginning to be uncomfortably on the side of too much. That pit of thorns and vines was stirring just a little, chasing out the comfortable apathetic melancholy that had been numbing his brain the past few minutes. 

“Well, okay…” Mikey took a deep breath. Leo distantly felt an alarm bell going off in the back of his brain, like a premonition that the other shoe was in fact dropping, and he likely would not survive the fall out. He started shuffling backwards, as quietly as possible. If he could get to his room, he could shove his headphones in and at least pretend they weren’t having a conversation about him downstairs. Headache schmeadache, right?

Except, of course, he underestimated Dr. Delicate Touch himself, and how much Mikey hated holding anything in. 

“His coach asked me if I could come to practice this weekend because without Leo they’re down one too many players for playoffs and I was thinking of trying out anyways and my soccer coach told him about that and they both think I should,” Mikey said all in one breath. 

Which was funny, because suddenly, Leo couldn’t breathe. 

“He- woah, what?”

“Can, I mean, it’s pretty late in the season, can he even do that?”

Mikey’s voice sounded smaller, uncomfortable, but Leo couldn’t find it in him to care. “I guess, because it’s for the play offs? They just have to submit the roster beforehand, with me as a sub. Gotta see how I play with the team, though. Travis told me.”

They all paused, Leo could feel his heartbeat in his throat. 

“Are… are you thinking you want to?” Raph asked, slowly. 

“I…” 

Leo couldn’t, he absolutely could not deal with any of this. He all but ran back to his room, accidentally closing the door a little bit too hard. He was hyperventilating, maybe, or the world had decided to follow suit and erupt into miniature earthquakes.  _ His phone, where was his- April, April would help.  _

Neon Leon: ape pls tell me ur home

Bat-girl (April): I am, yeah. What’s going on?

Neon Leon: cant talk rn 

Neon Leon: gunna come crash

Neon Leon: ok?

There was a pause, April typed something and deleted it. Leo could hear voices now, so whoops. Jig was up, they definitely knew he’d heard everything. Not that it mattered. Not that Mikey cared about exactly what he was doing, right? As long as it worked out for the Orange baby bro, everyone was happy. 

Bat-girl (April): of course, leo. My doors always open.

Bat-girl (April): <3

Leo started stuffing random things in his duffle bag, a shirt maybe. An approximation of pants. It didn’t matter, none of it mattered. He just needed to  _ get out  _ before- 

“Leo?” 

He swung around. Mikey stood in the doorway to his room, hand hesitantly raised to knock, big eyes even bigger than normal and positively swimming with guilt.  _ Good, _ he thought, maybe a little viscously. 

“Don’t,” he almost growled. “Just. Just don’t, Mike.”

“Leo, I… I wasn’t going to-”

Leo threw his phone charger in the bag, zipped it up messily and shouldered it. “Stop it.”

He felt unhinged, that outside himself feeling back and more intense than ever. It would have scared him if he could feel anything other than the roar in his ears and that electric fire working its way into his throat. He didn’t know what he’d do, if anyone tried to make him stay. He felt a little cornered and a lot like he was standing at the edge of a very tall precipice he didn’t know how to walk back from. Leo had never been an angry person, but he wondered if this was what Raph had felt like, before. Like it was someone else wearing his skin, like the only thing louder than the roar was his desire to leave by any means necessary. 

“I… I just wanted. Leo, _ I’m sorry. _ They just, they asked me, and I didn’t know and...”

Something snapped, just right to the left of his heart, like a fuse being lit up. White hot and positively blinding. 

“You already said yes, didn’t you?” Time had to have slowed down, or sped up. He saw the way Mikey swallowed, the way his mess of curls and rounded whites of his eyes made him look even smaller than usual, but mainly, the way he winced just a little bit. “You did. You’re stealing my…” He didn’t even know what to say, how to process the amount of betrayal he knew was just under the surface of this electric current. 

“How could you? Is it not enough for you that you’re everyone’s favorite? Not enough to take the school play and half the school, you have to steal my friends? What’s  _ wrong _ with you!”

Mikey shook his head mop of curls flying everywhere, eyes watering. “It’s not  _ like _ that, Leo I swear, I didn’t know-”

“Oh? It’s not? You didn’t  _ know  _ you were stealing everything from me? That you got everything I never had? God, must be a dream to be you. Just get everything you want without even trying, and have to come back for more. You want basketball? Fine. Want to take fencing too? Not like I haven’t disappointed everyone there already. Better yet, how about I just leave and you can take all my stuff too. Is  _ that _ what you want, Michelangelo?”

He didn’t know who this bitter person was, the one watching tears finally break free and stream down his baby brother's face and didn’t care. He’d spent his whole life trying to keep Mikey happy, make sure he had room to grow and flourish the way Leo’d always known he deserved to. He didn’t hate Mikey, he never could. He wasn’t even mad at him, really, it was just this thing in his chest. This coiling angry spiked thing that had somehow crept behind his teeth and over his tongue and was unspooling all these awful words he wasn’t strong enough to take back. 

“Leo! That’s enough!” Raph suddenly appeared behind Mikey, and oh, yeah he was glaring too. He looked disgusted, disappointed, and everything else Leo had been afraid of.  _ Score another point for you, universe, for that self-fulfilling prophecy loophole. Didn’t see that coming. _

“Of course you’re defending him!” Leo couldn’t stop, he just wanted to stop, but he wasn’t in control anymore, he was somewhere above the room watching everything happen in high definition, and he couldn’t even find the damn controller. 

“You wouldn’t know what it’s like! Everyone thinks you’re amazing, too! And then you’ll be gone and it’ll just be me and- and  _ him.  _ And I won’t matter anymore because Mikey’s got everything they could possibly ever need and more! Not that I ever mattered! Zero-nardo and all, right?”

He caught the way Mikey bit his lip at that, and it just ignited a larger fire in him. Something that felt two degrees away from burning him up from the inside, something he was going to let burn him up from the inside. Part of it felt right, deserved. 

“Oh! You _ knew _ about that, too! Did you come up with it? Is it embarrassing having me for a big brother? All you’ve ever done is take stuff from me, and you don’t even  _ thank me _ for it, gotta knock me down some other way, right? But it’s fine, its just stupid Leo. Who needs Zero-nardo around when they’ve got perfect Michelangelo. God, it’s so unfair!”

Oh no, he could feel himself switching tracks. Less righteous anger, less electrical fire and more lightning storm. 

“Why am I not good enough, huh? Nobody cares about anything I do, because  _ you’re  _ always there! Do you know how infuriating that is? That my baby brother is better at everything than I am and-and he just rubs it in my face all day long! I’m so  _ sick _ of you! You know they all wanted to adopt you, back before right? That the only reason they wouldn’t take all of us was because of  _ me _ , because I was too loud and-and annoying and bratty, but everyone was fighting over adorable Mikey! Maybe you’d all have been happier if I’d just  _ stayed there _ , huh? Mikey’s enough! Worth all the Leo’s in the world! Not like he  _ cares _ .” 

That was too far, all of it had been too far, he knew but. There was a line they never crossed, even when they argued. Leo was toeing it dangerously, and he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Leo,” Mikey practically whispered, and god, it was so small and wavering, it tasted like pity and Leo _ hated it. _

_ “Leonardo,” _ Raph thundered.

He was panicking, somewhere distantly. He hadn’t meant that, not really. He hadn’t even realized he’d been thinking it, but. Didn’t that make it a little true? He had to get out. Shit, he. He had to leave.

“I don’t- I can’t! Stop looking at me like that! Just- just leave me alone!”

And maybe it was the broken way Mikey was staring at him, like the wind had finally been kicked from his sails, or the confused disappointment in Raph’s eyes, but he suddenly couldn’t stand to be in the room any longer. He shoved past them both, bolting for the front door. 

“Leo, wait!” Mikey called, but if he stood one more second there, if he felt the weight of regret and guilt hovering just out of reach, he would properly combust. He’d really lose it, and he was terrified if he broke everyone would see all the places where he was just. Missing. All the hollow parts behind it all. He was fine, he needed to be fine, he needed to be happy for Mikey. He needed to be stronger than this, needed to be enough. 

Maybe there just weren’t enough pieces. 

____

  
  


_ Knock knock.  _

Being in April’s apartment building was reassuring, in a way. Something unchanging amidst the hurricane of bullshit whipping around him; the spot on the carpet in front of the elevator was still the same as it had been two years ago when Raph first brought them over to meet his new friend, the old lady in the lobby still gave him the same suspicious glare. It was all comfortingly the same. 

Still, he almost hesitated before getting April to buzz him up. She was friends with all of his brothers, and as much as she refused to pick sides when they had problems, she had to have heard something from Donnie at least by now. He deserved her disappointed arm crosses at the very least but man, he didn’t know if he could handle it. 

His skin was buzzing, prickling in awful ways still, and he couldn’t really get his eyes to focus on anything, and it was taking everything left in him to keep himself from just throwing his bag in the nearest dumpster and crawling in afterwards. Oh, to be swept beneath a landfill and left in silence. Stinking, terribly rotting silence. Sounded fitting at this point. 

The door opened with a creak. He kept his eyes on his feet, clearing his throat nervously. “Sorry to uh, drop in.” His voice sounded entirely wrecked, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the yelling or the desperate attempts to stop from doing something stupid like burst into tears on his frantic run across town. 

“Leonado!” She gasped, and shit, here it came. “You’re freezing! Did you run all the way here in the rain?” 

He blinked. “Uh, guess I… didn’t notice?” He really was soaking wet though, whoops.

“Without a jacket? You’re gunna catch something, come on get inside you doofus.” She pulled him gently (far too gently, like he was cracking almost which. Maybe he was) through the doorway and into the guest bathroom, throwing a towel at him almost instantly. He caught it half out of instinct, and braved a glance up at her. 

She didn’t look…. Mad. There was a pinch to her eyebrows and her lips kept flicking down at the edges but, there was no heat in her dark eyes. Just something complicated and sad that he wasn’t sure actually made him feel less shitty. 

He felt like asking if she knew, if she hated him now or if she was disappointed in him too, but whatever answer she had felt far too large for his chest. He elected to towel off his hair instead, using the opportunity to finally breathe. 

“Thanks,” Leo offered instead, a bit awkwardly and not really referring to the towel. April and him didn’t really talk about things, meaningful things at least. Mostly because Leo never figured out how, mostly cause it made him nervous whenever she looked at him like she knew he wasn’t, like she thought there was something tragic about him. Leo thought he maybe owed her a bit more than that in general, that it probably made him a bit of a bad friend.

She gave him a small smile. “It’s what family does, right?” 

He swallowed roughly, and nodded, looking down at the towel in his hands. There was a sinking feeling snaking its way around his ribcage, weighing down his rabbit beat heart like anchors dragging on the seafloor. A nightmare of a day finally settling its debris across its shoulders now that the tempo had slowed for a second. 

“Leo-” April started.

“Any chance that uh. Can we… can we not talk about it?” He felt his shoulders hunch up around his ears. She’d been reaching her hand towards him and hesitated, dropping it to her side with a sigh. 

“I think maybe not talking is what got you here, man.” 

The thing was, April was really smart. Maybe not Donnie skip-ahead-multiple-grades-and-get-into-MENSA-at-age-13 smart but, she knew things people didn’t see, aced her classes just with a little elbow grease and had enough time to goof off with them every weekend anyways. She was always the one with the best ideas, the bravest of anyone he’d ever known, and had the biggest heart. And she was right, usually, about basically everything. It was just that, this time? He desperately didn’t want her to be.

He plastered on his usual carefree smug grin. “April, I’m-”

“Leonardo Hamato, you better not be finishing that sentence with ‘fine’.” Her tone made him startle and blink up at her, all fiercely upset eyebrows and watering eyes. “I’ve known you for how many years now? And you think that I can’t see right through that smile? Do not look me in the eyes right now, soaking wet from running all the way to my place with no explanation, after the day you’ve had, and tell me that you’re fine. Don’t lie to my face like that.” 

Any semblance of steel he’d managed to slap around himself just fell entirely apart, at the way she was looking at him, then. He felt for a moment, the door in his brain rattle, all the adrenaline and bitterness and spikey defenses sliding out from that locked up place in his heart. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I-” He was so tired, then. Impossibly, overwhelmingly, more tired than he’d ever felt in his life. “I don’t know if I am?” He tried to smile up at her, and felt the way it wavered and broke on his cheeks. 

“Oh, Leo…” Her face shifted, utterly devastated for him and so, so loving, and man wasn’t that the icing on the cake? 

“It’s just, you know,” he shrugged, all jerky and uncomfortable. The room felt overly bright, too hot, he couldn’t entirely measure up to the even stare April was levelling at him. He felt like running back out into the rain, nearly made an impulsive move to before April’s hand wrapped around his shaking one. He sniffed.

“The uh, the basketball team, and… I just- Benji  _ hates  _ me and I don’t know why and then. God, I y-yelled at Mikey!” He covered his face, trying to somehow push all the electric panicked heat back inside, lock it even more tightly back up in the abyss. April leaned forward and in one fluid motion, pulled him closely into her arms and god, she was so soft and unendingly exactly what he needed, and he couldn’t dare try to explain everything and yet. And yet. 

“I didn’t mean to- or, I don’t know, I-I don’t think I did? I messed up so bad, April.” 

She pressed her face into his neck. “Shh, it’ll work out, you’ll see! It’s a lot at once, I’m sorry sweetie. You guys will get through it, I know you will. There’s nothing Mikey wouldn’t do for you. Just breathe right now, okay?” 

Leo shook his head. He knew that was true, he did. Mikey didn’t have a selfish bone in his whole tiny body, he’d always tried to bend the world for his brothers, for anyone he cared about really. There’d never been anything quite like the way Mikey loved his brothers, and Leo knew that.

But, the team, and his friends, and the way Mike knew about the things people said about Leo and didn’t try to stop it… It hurt. It really, truly stung in a way he didn’t know how to wrap his brain around because he’d never learned how to put walls up around his family. Because they weren’t built like that, because they’d all chosen each other and that was it, and they knew how important it was that they stayed together. At least until Donnie and Raph left them behind, anyways. 

He carefully lifted his arms around April and hugged her back as tight as he could. “I’m sorry, Ape I’m just. Maybe I’m just tired,” Leo said, after a long moment. 

April sighed, and pushed her hand through his hair, scratching at the back of his neck lightly. “Well, I think it might help to get out of your wet clothes, have a nice hot shower, and maybe join me on the couch for a Jupiter Jim movie jam?” 

Leo huffed. “That’s not-”

“I know,” she squeezed a little tighter. “I know it’s not going to make tomorrow better, but I think I need to see my best friend be okay, just for tonight. Been worried about you, man.” 

Leo could have cried, then. How the world deserved someone like April O’Neil was beyond him. 

“Sorry.”

She shushed him. “Nope, no apologies. That’s a tomorrow problem, okay? Today’s a Leo day.” 

April pushed back, patting his head and ruffling up his wet hair even more. “Just give yourself a minute, take as long as you need in the shower to warm up, and I’ll be on the couch whenever you’re ready.”

He gave her a shaky smile, hugging the towel closer to himself. She nodded and closed the door, after a moment he could hear her setting up the TV, and having a quiet conversation with her mom somewhere down the hall. 

Leo took a breath, shutting his eyes for a minute and trying desperately not to think. April’s house had always been like a second home, radiating comfort and memories of pizza nights and movie marathons. He didn’t have to be anything here, April had already seen him snivelly and snotty and she didn’t care. Bracing himself against the sink, he looked himself square in the eye, and let a moment of the white hot threat of ‘after’ snuck in. The tomorrow problems, where he’d have to deal with principal’s and meetings and the looks… He looked like a zombie, eyes puffy and red, hair disheveled in a way he would never normally let it be. This couldn’t possibly be a nightmare then, not when he could see the way the day had sunk its claws into him. 

Maybe he could take one more day, maybe April would understand that. He’d barely had a chance to exist without that blurring outside the lines brain, it just seemed like too much to start that back up again tomorrow. Whatever that was, that upside inside out feeling, it was terrifying. What if something was actually wrong with him? Like, seriously broken in his brain and could never get right again? What if he’d missed his chance to fix anything by leaving? 

Stepping into the shower after a moment was a shock of reality, he could feel something unwinding in his shoulders and following the rest of the water down the drain. He hadn’t even realized he’d been so cold, that he’d been shaking. Yet another thing April was right about. 

If a few tears squeaked out, the water made it impossible to tell. He leaned his face towards the water, pushing his hands through his hair, and refused to let himself dwell on anything but the steam and the water, and the feeling of having somewhere to rest his head without any of the looks or the whispers, without the constant pressure to be more, to be enough. 

It was… quiet. Finally, just, quiet. 

Somehow, the silence didn’t actually feel as good as he’d hoped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shout out to both jin and sol for without which neither this fic or this lovely art would be possible <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thank you for all your support so far with this <3 I just wanted to say, I'm a huge Mikey fan I absolutely love my son and I know some people reading this have some concerns regarding his actions within this fic so. Just keep in mind Leo's jumping to a lot of assumptions here. Unreliable narrators and all ;) 
> 
> The art in this chapter is by me! 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter for some self depreciation, general unhappy frazzled thinking.

The rest of the evening felt like finally catching his breath, like a knot that had finally untangled in the center of a much bigger, more frustrating knot. It was a start, maybe.

April didn’t ask any questions, bought him a whole pizza from his favorite place and leaned her head on his shoulder like always. April’s mom even stepped in to ruffle Leo’s hair with a fond look and make them popcorn, never for a second questioning why he was over so late on a school night, or the way his eyes were rimmed red and shadowed. He fell asleep midway through the second movie, exhausted from the whole of everything throughout the day, comfortable in the plush cushions of a thousand sleepovers over the years. He thought for a faint moment that even if things weren’t okay right now, that April would be there until they were, at least. That he didn’t have to fix it alone. That even sort of felt like being alright. 

His dreams definitely felt otherwise. 

Somewhere between re-living screaming at Mikey, this time with the fun image of Mike withering away into nothing in front of him, his brain also supplying an angrier and more disgusted look on Raph and now Donnies faces, sleep just felt like it wasn’t in the cards for him. Dream Mikey had started sobbing in a hiccup-y echoing way, as everyone took turns walking out on him, calling him a terrible brother over their shoulders. Overall, a wonderful and thrilling experience he was happy to never relive ever again.

April must have tucked him in on the couch and headed to her own room, because it was dark and quiet and far too still. The room was bathed in a cyan toned blue shade from the various electronics in the living room, the curtains peeled back just far enough to show the moon hanging round and full in the middle of inky darkness. A perfect setting for Leo to quietly unravel himself into knots and barbed wire. 

It just felt like an omen, somehow. Like he’d gotten a tarot card reading of a fork in the road and elected to bulldoze the entire area instead just to avoid making a choice. Maybe this was how it was going to go anyways, next year. With his brothers all drifting away from him, Don and Raph thriving in some other state college, Mikey soaking up all the sunlight at home. Leo finally alone like he’d always been terrified of. Maybe he’d just sped it up a little by losing his patience.

When they’d been in foster care Leo’s biggest fear was that no one would want him at all. Then later, when he’d sort of just fell into being a family, he’d been terrified he would be the reason nobody would love his brother’s like they deserved. Sure, he purposely bungled up interviews and meetings, being as bratty and horrible as possible, but that was sort of just the way he made things easier for himself. If people hated him it was because he wanted them to. Some kind of weird control thing. At least this way he didn’t have to worry they’d weighed and judged and found him wanting for being, well, Leo. 

_ Zero _ , his brain reminded him, unhelpfully. 

“This is stupid,” he whispered to himself. “Don n’ Raph don’t care.” They had their own problems, sure, but never seemed to let it build up between each other the way he was.

_ They aren’t jealous like you are. _

“I’m not jealous!” He sat up, frustrated and antsy. “I’m not, it’s just…”

He paused. He did want what Mikey had, what had been his. All of the golden sunshine trophies and awards that seemed to fill his baby brother up from the inside and shine through his pores and his freckles and his megawatt smile. 

“I totally am jealous. Crap.” 

Leo rubbed a hand tiredly down his face. Honestly though, who wouldn’t be? Mikey, who had an earnesty that could melt anyone’s heart, who things always seemed to work out for, who never had a down day in his life because he was always bouncing around left and right, making people happy. Except Leo, apparently. And that thought made him feel nauseated. 

He knew he needed to apologize, that none of the things he’d said to Mikey were in any way fair or true, but…

Pacing around the living room, staring up at the moon, he wondered if there was genuinely something broken in him. Something that separated him into the Leo that rolled with the punches, was okay with things as they were, that didn’t mind being the horribly alone awkward middle twin, and the Leonardo that was selfish and greedy and wanted constantly to have more. The Leo that felt slighted by the world and by his baby brother’s successes and couldn’t seem to think beyond that lately. The one that messed up all his friendships and was never funny enough, or smart enough, or talented enough to be right for anyone. 

The one that punched back when he shouldn’t, and wimped out when he should. 

Briefly, he wondered if he should just run away, but that felt awful and immature, and he knew he wouldn’t last a week without his brother’s around and it was selfish, to even think about putting them through that too. They’d all lost so much for different reasons, he didn’t want to add to it. Mikey’d never even known his biological family, they’d just dropped him in some back alley and left him behind to wither away. It was a miracle he’d been found at all, and a miracle yet that he’d turned out the way he was. 

And here Leo was acting like any of that was a bad thing. 

_ Selfish.  _

He sighed. There was no way he was getting back to sleep on his own now. Usually, when they had sleepovers, Don was the one who’d wake up randomly and be unable to stop his mind racing around with a million thoughts. April gave them all a ground rule about always being able to use the TV or whatever systems they wanted, too. Was fairly normal, back in the day, to wake up and find Donnie already logged in to some MMORPG or another at 5am. The quiet clicking and hums under his breath were practically an accustomed experience, soothing almost. 

Leo decided to boot up April’s PS4, after a moment, smiling a little distantly to himself as he imagined Don here, huffing angrily about cheaters while mashing all the perfect combination buttons to absolutely obliterate them back. Maybe he’d at least be able to take his mind off things, fall back into that comfortable numb brain stage he’d been earlier and get some more sleep before the school day. 

Looked like Pac-Man was loaded up, which was perfect, honestly. No thoughts required, just a round yellow orb and some multi-coloured ghosts. He settled back onto the couch, pulling the blanket around himself and made sure the volume wouldn’t disturb the rest of the O’Neil house; April’s high score on this game was abysmal and he was determined to beat it before dawn. 

Abruptly, a notification popped up in the top corner. 

‘Mikester is online’. 

Leo frowned, pausing and entering the home screen to double check that, yep, it was in fact 1:35AM on a school night. Not to say Mikey was a perfect student by any means, but he usually had a pretty strict bedtime for himself so he’d have enough energy for the day. Not to mention their system was in the main room just off of Splinter’s bedroom. Then again, hours at the dojo had done them all wonders in stealthiness, and Dad was a particularly noisy sleeper. 

‘New message from Mikester’ 

He didn’t actually mean to hover over the message, but the first line popped up regardless. 

‘April u up? Srry 2 bug u’

Another message, too quick for Leo to abort. 

‘The bball thing didnt work. Sure leo told u. Messed it up again :(‘

“B-ball thing?” Leo frowned. Another message popped up. 

‘Thought hed be happy. Didnt know abt the rest. Hes w u right? Is he ok?’ 

‘Never seen him so mad b4. Idk how to tell him abt wat benji said. Guess Leo got roughed up by some guys too? I kno he didnt fight them they wouldnt hav won. Dont worry tho im gunna fix it.’

Leo paused. There was a lot to unpack here, realistically. Leo could be happy that at least Mike knew he wasn’t the type to throw a punch for no reason, that he had confidence in his brother's training even though he hadn’t stepped into the dojo in a good six months. His brain kept sticking to the first part, though, like a scratch on a record tape. He didn’t want to know what his supposed friend had to say about him, not really. And yet, he was still so frustrated and lost about what had changed between them, why Benji’d suddenly gone from his best pal to hating him in a heartbeat. Leo knew it was a terrible idea, that April would be upset with him, that it was practically manipulating his brother but…

‘What did Benji say?’ he typed back. 

‘U know in the group chat. Abt uninviting him from his bday n all that. I think its p messed up but trav agreed &-’

Leo closed out of the message and stared blankly at the TV for a moment, feeling shaky and startled. That was it, then. The glowing neon sign that they didn’t want Leo around at all. He figured it was coming, the final door slam. Benji’d been giving him side eyes and making unpleasant remarks for a while, but to hear Travis also felt the same way? Clearly they didn’t share the same mentality about Mikey, though. Didn’t sound like his brother had stood up for him either, just messaged April about it after the fact at 1am. Probably would still go, too. Mikey wasn’t one to turn down a party, and evidently any opportunity to replace Leo as well. 

_ Fine, _ Leo thought bitterly.  _ Who needs them anyways. Not like it was a hard decision, trade up for the better model why don’t you. _

He should have been upset, probably. Maybe some part of him was, but between the exhaustion, his fried nerves and the up and down roller coaster his life was steadily becoming, he didn’t seem to have the room. All he could feel was a big blank void, some distant threads of anger, and the desperate urge to sleep until he graduated. 

He didn’t know when he’d become everyone’s number one arch nemesis, when they’d decided things about him without even asking. When Mikey had slipped in and stolen them away too, while Leo was distracted somewhere else, lost between arguments with Dad and his slip-sliding grades. It was unfair, drastically so. It  _ was. _

Maybe Leo had yelled at Mike a little too much, maybe Mikey had done all of this in his usual unintentional way, but Leo wasn’t actually at fault for the rest, was he?

The numb anger in his heart felt like a wave, knocking against that locked up door in his chest, practically demanding he open it. Like there was something else behind this, some other layer to peel back and consider, a clue he was missing that would rebalance everything. 

Except it was 2AM. It was late and he was tired in a way he didn’t know if he’d ever felt before, and there was a stinging bitter aftertaste of betrayal burning under his skin, and maybe he was tired of considering. He almost powered off the PS4, sitting half paralyzed in the half dark of the room. He should have powered it off.

He imagined begging Dad to let him transfer schools, just somewhere he could start over. He thought of how much work Dad had already put in to get them all in this one together, how much more he’d have to spend to get Leo sorted somewhere else, just for his final year. He thought of how afraid he was of being alone.

Unceremoniously, everyone had just written him off without any fanfare or warning anyways. 

Maybe he should do the same. 

He opened the message box again. 

‘Maybe someone should think of what Leo wants.’ He sent back, and booted off the system.

__

  
  


The sun crept in across the living room gently, at first. Trails of gold dusting across the shelves, the rug, the couch. Leo felt it behind his eyes with the force of a spotlight, though, pounding directly into his brain. Just beyond his assorted unhappy noises, he heard April offer a chipper ‘good morning!’, followed by the sound of glass clinking together. 

He managed to peel his eyelids open just in time for her to wave a mug in front of them. “Made you tea! Your favorite blend.” 

Leo gladly accepted, sitting upright with a wince. The lack of sleep was making itself apparent in a drum beat across his forehead; today bought tidings of great joy evidently. He pushed his messy hair out of his eyes, grimacing as he felt the cowlicks already poking up. And he without his faithful hair gel, alas. Not as if the day could be any more daunting, though. 

The tea felt amazing on his sore throat and he couldn’t help the long satisfied hum that escaped him as he slouched further backwards again. 

“April, you are a god among men.” 

She snorted. “Bet you say that to all the mugs of tea.” Her eyes sparkled, but Leo could see the bit of worry behind it. He elected to glance away. For a split second he wondered if he stayed home from school, April would too. Maybe they could spend the whole day playing games and watching movies, and maybe Leo could unscramble his head a little more, enough to figure out exactly what the world wanted him to do. Maybe he could hold on to just this slice of normality for a moment longer. 

They sipped quietly for a moment, Leo leaned his head back on the couch’s backrest and breathed out long and slow. 

“Guess I gotta face the day, huh.” It wasn’t really a question.

She shrugged, but gave him a sympathetic glance. “Only so many tomorrow’s problems in a week.” It wasn’t really an answer. 

She’d let him slip away again, he knew. Would cover for him for at least one more day if he needed. April had always been the type of friend who didn’t really ask anything of any of them, just took everything at face value and carried onwards. Leo could see the way her smile was a fraction too tense, though, the way her shoulders were held a little too high. She hated being in the middle of their family issues, he knew, and he was already asking so much by being here. 

The least he could do was not screw this part up, make April’s life a little easier. 

He grumbled to himself, the guilty part of his brain thinking of the late night messages, about the replies Mike definitely had sent back. About the fact he’d misused April’s trust in him despite everything. About how he was definitely too much of a coward to admit to any part of it without her prompting.

“Don’t know if I can fix this, Ape.” 

She hummed at him. “Well, you know what my mom says. Gotta take that first step and see where it goes.” 

_ ________ _

  
  


School was… weird. He could tell something had shifted the moment he stepped through the doors, although at first he assumed it was just his nerves about speaking with the principal and whatnot. Leo had purposefully ignored his phone all night, but had managed to sneak a peek long enough to get the confirmation that Splinter had taken the day off work to attend the meeting as well. 

The meeting came and went and the feeling didn’t abate. 

Overall, Splinter seemed unhappy. Not with Leo, interestingly. He’d actually argued for Leo’s behalf, stating that since there were no cameras in the hallway, the teachers were all relying on one group’s account. 

“I find it a bit interesting that you’re siding with the group of boys that supposedly initiated the fight,” Dad frowned. 

Principal Drax frowned back. “I’m simply saying your son left the scene rather than report the incident which is--”

“Not evidence of anything. At all. Are you trying to say that my son beat up a boy in front of his entire group of friends, who are all twice his size, and not one of them intervened?”

“Well,” the vice principal leaned in. “That does sound a little odd.” 

Ultimately, Drax had more or less been forced to drop the issue. The other group of guys' parents were keen on vengeance of course, so Leo got saddled with after school detention for the next month as a way of keeping them calm, but otherwise… nothing. 

Surprisingly. 

Leo hadn’t really said much, during or after. He wasn’t sure how much Splinter had heard about Leo’s meltdown the other day anyways, or how upset he was. He had a tight look to his face the entire time he was in the school grounds, and a tilt to his chin like he was going into battle. Leo wondered if Donnie had the same surreal experience when he’d been suspended last term. 

“I’ll see you at home,” Dad nodded to him. Leo shrugged, looking away, but was shocked when Splinter put his hand on Leo’s arm and dragged him in for a quick hug. 

“Proud of you, my son.” 

And that was that. He’d had to miss part of the first period (excused, for once), so he opted to spend the rest of his time wandering for the best vending machine snacks. Missing breakfast was a terrible thing, especially when Mikey was practically an in-home chef but, well, he wouldn’t have had the appetite for it anyways. 

The gloomy, off kilter feeling persisted throughout the day. In class, he caught several people glancing his way with a sort of quick shifty nervousness, and in the hallways there was a strange lack of buzz beyond a low whispered awkwardness. It just felt. Wrong. Like the world knew something had changed and decided to mute the colours ever so slightly, or switch the channel when he wasn’t looking.

He didn’t mind it, much. His brain felt like it was trying to mambo it’s way right past his teeth more often than not. It was surprising he could even autopilot his way through his other classes. 

Lunch was a bit of a wake up call. Leo hadn’t really discussed anything with April, especially not anything to do with the group chat or Benji, and had nearly defaulted to his regular spot before panicking and switching to the far corner of the cafeteria. Sitting at a table by himself was weird, though. He’d never really had that experience, usually finding a space with his brothers and already waltzing in with some pun about it being ‘nice to  _ meat _ you’ or something equally as intentionally grating. But Raph was doing a prep course, and Donnie hated the cafeteria, and Mikey was. Well, Mikey was actually nowhere to be found. 

Leo frowned to himself. He’d never seen Mikey skip lunch before, he usually spent a good chunk of time in the morning making them all fancy lunches he learned online or something, and was always excited to try them out. From Leo’s spot across the cafeteria, he could see Travis sort of glancing around with confusion, too. Leo’s shoulders rose, and he bit into his terrible cafeteria wrap a little aggressively. 

Not his problem. Mikey was probably off doing a thousand cool things with a thousand cooler people, knowing things about what people were saying and too embarrassed of his pathetic older brother to stick around. 

April sat down across from him a moment later, which was a bit surprising, considering he hadn’t actually explained why he wasn’t sitting in his usual spot. Then again, it was April. He’d never known anyone more loyal. 

“Mom packed you cookies,” she gave him a small smile, and pushed a bag across the table. 

Leo attempted for a smile in response. He wasn’t actually sure if he’d managed it. “Have I mentioned that your mom is the best recently?”

“Well, you could always come over and tell her again, she loves to hear it.” 

He saw the offer for what it was, and felt for the millionth time in the last 24 hours, his heart ache with how much the world at large did not deserve April O’Neil, and how lucky he was to have her sticking around with him. He needed to make this whole situation up to her somehow, convince Dad to let her compete in Leo’s stead for the kendo tournament or something. She was good enough to, just missing a bit of the confidence to actively mention wanting to go for it. 

Leo also wanted to accept, another night of not dealing with this mess would be amazing, especially now that Dad had seemingly sorted out the biggest pressing issue and he could maybe genuinely sleep, but…

He sighed. “From me? Course she does. Who wouldn’t. But uh, nah. Thanks April, but I should head home tonight...” He shrugged, “Dad wanted to talk.” 

April patted his arm gently. “You thought about talking to Mike today?” 

Leo couldn’t help the way his face twitched at the thought, gloomy and grumpy and entirely unlike himself. He folded his arms on the table and let his forehead drop down. The cool cafeteria vinyl felt soothing in some way, beyond the cacophony of the general vicinity it might even be relaxing. 

“Why? Not like he cares or anything, right? Off with his adoring friends or whatever.” He grouched.

April hummed thoughtfully. “I dunno, haven’t seen him around today actually. Wasn’t in the arts room this morning like usual either. He might be feeling pretty awful, Leon.” 

Leo did not want to feel guilty, he wasn’t ready to feel guilty. The only way he was getting through today was sheer spite and determination, and if he started feeling bad about Mikey that would all tumble to the ground and into the dark abyss of self disgust below. 

“April, I…. he sent you a message last night and I-”

“Wait, is that him over there?”

He glanced up, following April’s gaze to the back corner of the lunchroom. A kid in a giant grey hoodie stood in line, hands shoved into his pockets, and a poof of blonde dyed hair covering half his face. As Leo watched, the kid reached up to rub at his face tiredly, and push his hair back from his eyes- oh, that was  _ Mikey _ .

He looked… small. Absolutely swallowed up in what was most likely Raph’s old debate sweater, now that Leo thought about it, lacking his usual zing and energy that always made him appear larger than life. Across the hall it was difficult to see, but Mikey looked positively exhausted, like he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep at all, like he’d been stressed and running his hands through his hair, causing its curls to stand up in a mess. 

Like he’d been  _ crying. _

_ Oh _ , Leo felt his gut clench.  _ There’d be the guilt anyways, huh.  _

As Leo watched, Mikey picked up a tray and grabbed the awful pseudo-chicken wrap from the lunch lady, and proceeded to sit at an open table alone with his headphones on and hoodie pulled high around his face. In an incredible uncanny moment, a few kids Leo didn’t recognize tried to wave him over but he just put his head down on the table and ignored them. 

“Leo…” April muttered, sounding equally as concerned.

“I know,” he couldn’t stop staring. Mikey was the king of bouncing back from any problem, of facing issues head on and resolving them instantly. He was Mr. Sunshine, an optimist at heart. He felt things really intensely, often crying at movies or commercials and getting worked up when teased, but it usually slid off him. Leo had never seen Mikey leave the house looking so morose. 

Leo moved to stand, he didn’t know what he’d do really. They couldn’t exactly hash things out in a public setting like this, but he felt compelled to do  _ something, _ drag Mikey outside by his collar and yell everything out maybe. Anything. 

Mikey slid off the bench towards the door, all sloping shoulders and downturned lips, throwing his whole meal into the garbage as he went. Someone brushed into him, nearly knocking him entirely over, and Mikey full on _ flinched _ before scurrying entirely out of sight. Leo almost called out to him, almost followed after, but his feet felt frozen to the spot. Carved directly into the ground with the weight of suddenly realizing exactly how far in over his head he’d found himself. 

____

Leo did try to be fair to himself, to fix things as best as he could. He had this awful encroaching dread, like another shoe hanging just out of sight, waiting to crush him under its heel. Something about Mikey looking so scared in that split second before he left, something about him staying up way past his bedtime on a school night. 

Maybe he was still hurt and angry, and maybe part of him still felt unhinged and divided into the Leo Who Said Awful Things And Didn’t Know How To Stop and his regular worried self, but his protective instincts were more deeply ingrained than anything else. It was hard to hold onto anything else other than the alarm bells of ‘wrong’ echoing in his headache ridden, tired brain. 

“Mike told us he wasn’t feeling it today,” Sunita shrugged, when Leo asked about their study group plans. “Haven’t seen him all day.”

“He’s got a club or something today, right? He’s always got a club, which one is it?” Leo probably sounded a little too desperate, because Sunita and Todd shared a strange look. 

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Todd offered, in an uncomfortably placating tone. “You know he’s all about sharing feelings!”

Leo could have pulled his hair out. “I’m trying to!” 

Sunita frowned. “He said something this morning about being ignored or… I dunno, something about cleaning up a mess?” 

Leo didn’t like the way that sentence sat under his skin, but that wasn’t really a whole lot to go off.

The drama kids were much the same, giving him variations of confused looks and not much else. One girl, Renet maybe? Asked if Leo could get Mike to text them when he sorted everything out, because he’d been acting funny this morning and _ they _ were worried. 

Leo bit his lip, looked at the clock and the drawing ‘end of lunch’ bell, and squared his shoulders. 

Travis was talking loudly when Leo approached, enough that it actually took a few tries for Leo to work up the voice to interrupt, and the looks they all gave him after practically made him want to crawl inside a dark hole and never come out. But, for Mikey? He took a deep breath. 

“Anyone seen my brother today?” He asked, praying his voice wouldn’t waver on him. 

Benji scoffed. “Figures.” Which made exactly no sense to Leo, but he probably deserved it regardless. 

Tavis gave him a considering look, his dark brows drawing together. “No,” he said carefully. “He doesn’t sit with us when you’re not here.” 

Leo blinked at that. “O-oh?”

“Besides, he made it pretty clear he wasn’t interested in being on the team last night, so-” Benji grumbled. 

“He what?” Leo had the sudden feeling he was floating in a large ocean, a tiny buoy being tossed about by Empire State building sized waves and just barely staying afloat. “But he told me…? He didn’t join the team?” 

Travis’ stare turned calculating for a moment, then softened. He nodded. “Nah, said he had more important things to think about.”

_ Course he does, _ Leo thought vaguely. 

Travis glanced at the rest of the table, and back at Leo. “Heard you didn’t get suspended.” 

Leo shrugged, a little numb. Seemed sort of irrelevant now, actually. 

Benji sighed loudly. “Could have like, at least fought back from what I heard but fine, okay. Yeah. You’re not off the team, by the way. Coach says you're benched next game though.” 

He glanced over at Benji, at his shaved hair and pointed eyebrows, and all the careful distaste packed away inside his dark brown eyes, and suddenly saw things from a different perspective. Benji’s older brother had been a basketball legend, supposedly. Still one of the MVP’s in the hallway cabinet, the kind of player Coach waxed poetic about at least once a week. Leo imagined having that big of a pair of shoes to live up to, and getting immediately overshadowed by some newbie guy who’s brothers were already dominating at everything else. 

Maybe Benji wasn’t trying to be angry either. 

Leo gave a small smile. “Seems fair, yeah. Sorry for the trouble, guys. Promise I’ll actually throw a roundhouse next time.”

Benji gave him a hard stare, but his mouth quirked up at the edges. 

“Leo,” Manny spoke up. “I uh, heard some weird stuff this morning. About Mike? People are saying he quit the play, like, just walked out and everything. Said something about transferring.” Leo felt his eyes widen, Manny nodded seriously. “Do me a favor and knock some sense into him, huh? School’s not the same without him around.” 

He thought maybe he nodded, but his mind was a thousand miles and panicked trains of thought away. “Sure, course.” He muttered. “Thanks.” 

The bell rang loudly, and Leo backed off towards his own locker. 

He thought about texting April, about asking her to convince Mikey this was ridiculous and out of proportion. He thought about texting Raph and asking him to sit down and do his eldest brother thing, or get Dad involved. 

That was the problem though, wasn’t it? Leo never dealt with any of this on his own. Just swallowed it down and pretended it wasn’t there until it ate all the good thoughts in his heart alive and left him with whatever this was. Made it everyone else’s problem until _ he _ was everyone else’s problem. Texting Mikey seemed like a step towards bravery that he just couldn’t take, an admittance of fault he wasn’t willing to swallow his pride for. Wasn’t that just messed up too? Here Mike was apologizing and throwing his own happiness away in some weird war path to make things okay, and here Leo was surrounded by only more frustration and bubbling bitter anger. Because of course Mikey would be the martyr, right? Of course Leo would have to make him rejoin everything and convince him it was fine even though Leo knew he didn’t know how to be fine with any of this. 

Frustration made his hands clench and shake. Course Mikey would be better at this too, of course it would be easy for him to apologize, when it was taking everything in Leo to find the words. 

Leo slammed his locker harder than he meant to, and stormed off towards class. He promised he’d stop letting himself be angry by tonight, maybe even figure out how to be brave like Mikey, just to prove to himself he could. He just… needed some time to be a mess still, first. 

The rest of the day passed like this:

Leo stared at a clock, wondering if it had decided to spite him by only moving when he wasn’t looking. Leo did  _ not _ think about Mikey, while thinking too hard on why he was thinking about things other than Mikey. Leo tapped his pen anxiously until his teacher told him not to, and proceeded to tap it against his thigh instead until a classmate told him not to. Leo failed to not think about Mikey, and proceeded to more adamantly refuse to acknowledge he was thinking about Mikey. 

Leo felt guilty. Got mad at himself for feeling guilty, and then felt more guilty about still being angry at all. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

He couldn’t have told you anything that happened in his last three classes, but he also avoided making any teachers too blisteringly mad at him, so he called it a draw. 

Detention was different, mainly in that Leo had always been good at worming himself out of trouble and never actually been in the room before, but it was also surprisingly anticlimactic. Boring, slow, mind numbingly agonizing. But fine, mostly. The teacher supervising was one he’d never talked to before, and seemed mostly engrossed in a slew of emails than anything Leo was actually doing, and Leo was on a ‘no phone policy’ himself so following that particular rule was easy as pie. All in all, not the worst experience.

He couldn’t escape the odd tingling feeling in the back of his mind that something was amiss the entire time, though, which made the clock tick abysmally slower in retribution. In all likelihood, he reasoned to himself, he was preparing for the inevitable awkward confrontations to be had after detention. Because, well, it wasn’t just Orange-One-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named that deserved a few thousand or so apologies. Raph had been awfully angry when he left, in the sort of supremely disappointed way Raph never got these days. 

_ Aw man, _ Leo thought with an uncomfortable jolt, what if he’d set Raph back on all his hard work too? Brought back that frustrated anger he’d spent so much time working away from? Yet another trophy to tuck into his belt he guessed, and another thing to beat himself up for after he was done grovelling. Maybe Raph would be willing to help him work through whatever place he kept slipping back to, as a sort of punishment slash helpful workshop type of thing. 

“Alright, we’re done here.” 

The teacher at the front announced abruptly, cutting Leo off mid spiral and making him jolt slightly in his seat. The man stood up, brushed his dark, coiffed hair backwards, twitched a mustached lip, and slipped on a suit jacket before side-stepping through the door without another word. 

Potentially the coolest teacher he’d ever met actually, damn. 

The rest of the kids slowly stood and grumbled, a few stretching loudly before exiting. Leo lifted his backpack awkwardly, and tried not to feel like he was walking off a very long plank. 

____

Leo hesitated in front of their door. The chipped red paint was usually welcoming, a kind of nice dash of light in an otherwise gloomy street. Today it felt strangely ominous, like the whorls of the wood were signal lights for a far off plane, a lighthouse predicting craggy shores ahead. Leo hung his head, he was very, intensely, tired. 

But, this wasn’t the kind of tired that sleep would fix.

He sighed, and fished his phone from his pocket. Dad hadn’t called at least, but then again, he’d always been the type to be fairly hands off in their interpersonal issues. Raph had called once, last night, and left several texts. Donnie had stayed silent, but that made sense considering. 

There really was no point in prolonging his inevitable doom like this. He unlocked the door and pushed it open, bracing for impact with a wince. 

Pause. 

Nobody immediately launched into a lecture, there were no immediate scoffs of derision, just silence. He eased his eyes open, and kicked the door close a little too hard, setting off another wince. 

“Mik- oh.” Raph peeked from around the archway to the kitchen. “Leo.” 

Leo blinked. “Uh, yeah, s’me.” He shrugged awkwardly, and dropped his bag by the door. One long breath in and out, and he forced himself to make eye contact, hand reaching to rub the back of his neck out of nervous habit. 

Raph looked guarded, but not openly upset. Good start. “Look, Raph, I-” 

Raph held up a hand. “I’m not the one you should be apologizin’ to, Leo.” 

He couldn’t help the grimace, both at the way Raph’s voice came out all measured and cautious, and the way he was moving towards him with the patented Hands-On-The-Hips-Parental-Disapproval Raph had practically perfected since they were foster kids. 

Leo ducked his head, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I… I know. I’m… working up to that.” He swallowed, roughly. “Look, I. I don’t know why I said those things, it wasn’t cool or- or yanno, even  _ sort of  _ okay. Don’t know… it’s. There’s this part of me that just thinks bad stuff all the time, and I’m usually good at ignoring it but, I guess not anymore?” He flashed his eyes up to Raph’s, catching the flicker of understanding, before he barrelled on. 

“I messed up real bad, I know. I’m.” Here came the rough part. It’d be too easy if he just felt bad and all, right? “I’m still mad. I don’t  _ want _ to be but it’s like, I think about how unfair that whole thing was, and- and how I want to be back to normal where nothing bothers me but it  _ does _ , and it doesn’t  _ stop  _ bothering me, and I’m _ so angry. _ I know I don’t have a right to be, hell I didn’t even get kicked off the team, so like, what’s the point? And- and Mike... I don’t even know why anymore, but I just feel... “

A sigh. “Like you’re not in control?” 

Leo nodded, biting his lip. “But I’m still- it’s like I’m not done feeling it yet even though I know I’m wrong. But Mike doesn’t deserve me running away and blaming my stuff on him, so I gotta…” He let out a frustrated whine, pushing his hands through his hair. The words kept stumbling from him, and they weren’t really what he wanted to say but he didn’t know even what he did mean, other than he wanted everything to be normal again. 

He wanted Raph to stop looking at him like he was a misaligned puzzle piece, like he was about to punch a mirror. He wasn’t! He… well, maybe. He didn’t know anymore, and that was the scary part of it. 

Raph waited.

Leo felt his hands clench, could feel the press of his nails in his palms like crescent moons holding him here in the moment. Not letting him fly off into that other place.

“How- how do I stop? He looked  _ so sad _ today, Raph, like everything was falling apart around him and I just sat there and couldn’t even work up the nerve to  _ talk _ to him, because I’m such a shitty brother I can’t-” 

Raph’s hands dropped from his hips, he took one, two, three strides forwards and wrapped Leo up in a hug all at once. “Oh, Leo… No, hey, stop that, shh.” 

Oh, Leo realized with a hiccup, he was panicking again. That was embarrassing. He managed to rub his face despite the iron grip Raph’s arms made around him, and the careful way he was cradling the back of his head. “I shou-shouldn’t be _ freaking out _ , I messed everything up because I-I was a jerk and-”

“Hey, firstly, I’m gunna need you to stop saying all that stuff, okay?” Raph leaned back and looked Leo in the eye, and huh, that was just pure sympathy and warmth there now, wasn’t it? “Yeah, you said some mean stuff, maybe you let things bottle up too much, but we can fix it. Mikey can’t hold a grudge, you know he can’t.” 

“Maybe he should!” 

Raph hummed thoughtfully for a moment. “He’s not mad at you, Leo.” 

“Why _ not _ ?” Leo cried.

Maybe Leo wanted Mikey to be mad at him, maybe that would make all of this feel justified somehow. At least if Mikey was trying to spite Leo, it would make sense that he just got everything Leo wanted, wouldn’t it?

“Probably should ask him that, hm?” 

Right, yeah. He shook himself, bottling the compulsive urge to start crying somewhere far, far away. “Where is he?” If he was in self combust mode, probably better to have the actual target nearby. 

Raph looked away, awkwardly. “Uh, actually, I was hoping you’d know.” 

Leo blinked. “Well, it’s Wednesday, right? He’s got uhh… some club or something?” 

“You guys didn’t hear, did you?” Donnie’s voice suddenly piped in, from upstairs. He rounded the corner after a minute, texting furiously. Leo wanted to maybe be thoroughly mortified just a little, that two of his brothers were now witnessing his epic meltdown, but something about the way Donnie was speaking kept the feeling at bay. The guy usually talked in a monotone, the dark bags typically under his eyes made everything he said feel vaguely ominous and dry, but this was pinched. The tells would have been imperceptible to anyone outside of the Hamato family, but he’d been reading his brothers expressions since they were five. Don was stressed, worried even. 

Raph frowned, looking up at Don. “Hear what? I was working on prep course stuff all day.” 

Don glanced between them, giving Raph a particular wide eyed look.

“Mikey dropped all his clubs today. Whole school was talking about it.” 

Leo’s gut dropped. “He  _ what _ ?” 

That high pitched tension in Leo’s brain was back, and louder than ever. Like it was winding up for a jump scare, like something terrible had just skidded off a ledge somewhere and was about to crash land on top of them.

“Why would he-” Raph started. 

The clock on the wall said 5:30. Class had ended two and a half hours ago. The high pitched sound became a whine, Leo stared at his brothers with growing dread like a weight between his ribs.

_“Where is he?”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part!!! Me and my collab friends got a lil busy this past bit, so I will be adding in the art in a bit! Figured it might be nice to at least put the words out for my best pal who keeps sending me eye emoji's about the ending SO here it is. 
> 
> The fabled Mikey's Side Of the Story is out, hope you all enjoy! <3

The Hamato’s didn’t panic, as a rule. They managed crisis in measured steps, usually. Step one: lay out all the facts. 

Facts were as follows. Mikey was upset, hadn’t talked to anyone since this morning. A quick message to Sunita and a few of Mikey’s other friends confirmed as much, plus the additional fact he was not at a friends place. Mikey had unceremoniously pulled out of all his clubs, and all his additional school art projects some time before first period. He hadn’t answered any texts since last night either. 

None of them knew where he was. None of his friends seemed to either, and they were all worried. 

The facts were: Leo’d known something was awry since lunch, and he’d managed to do absolutely nothing about any of it. 

Step two: dive in and solve the problem. 

Glaring issue with step two in this one. 

“Raph, can you drive back up to the school? Check if he’s hanging around somewhere?” Don asked, furiously scrolling through his phone with a laser focused intensity. 

Raph nodded, swiping his keys. “On it.”

“I’ll get Dad, he should be closing up at the dojo soon. Maybe we’ll catch him on his way back.” Don continued, shuffling on his sweater and shoes without missing a beat. 

Leo shoved his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking. “What about me?” 

Don could have looked up at him and snapped something about having patience, or about how he’d messed things up already, or a million other deserved harsh words, but instead his dark eyes only looked worried, and pained. 

“Leon, the best place you can be right now is somewhere stable. You’re two steps from falling over, bro.” Raph patted his head gently, before stealing out the door. 

Leo took a shaky breath, feeling a bit unwound, a bit frayed. “I’m… I should get him, shouldn’t I? It’s cause of me he’s-” 

“No offense, Leo but that might not be a good idea right now.” Leo flinched, but nodded. Yeah, who’s to say he wouldn’t turn tail and run the other way if he saw Leo anyways. 

Don sighed. “Look, we need someone here in case he beats us back, anyways. We’ll keep each other updated, if he comes here just let us know, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Leo felt lower than scum. Panicky and unwell, but he didn’t deserve the sympathy. “Yeah, Don, I get you. Just, make sure he comes back in one piece, please.” 

Donnie promised, and headed out the door a moment later leaving Leo with just the silence, and the creaking walls, and a growing feeling that everything was inescapably and inevitably his fault. 

“I don’t get it,” he muttered to himself, sinking onto the couch. “I mess up, and Mikey’s the one running away? Dammit…” 

It should be him, shouldn’t it? Making everyone worried and being dramatic and self centered, that was Leo’s thing usually. Mikey only worried them by nature of being the baby brother, he wasn’t one for needing attention or impulsive acts of self destruction. He was just a little kid, he wasn’t supposed to worry about big things like that. Not yet, maybe not ever if his big brothers had anything to say about it. 

The couch felt abrasive, his skin itched and felt two sizes too small. The whole house felt too big and impossibly claustrophobic all at once. Each tick from the clock on the wall was a jackhammer to Leo’s nerves, and he couldn’t think of a single thing that would make any of it better. 

He paced for a bit, just to work out the nerves. Then, the tired overwhelmed feeling returned and it was all he could do to sit and just hold on. He fished his phone from his pocket, numbly scanning through the family group chat. 

Purple Rain: Dad hasn’t heard anything either. We’re checking with April. 

Big Red: got to the school no sign of him yet.

Big Red: Mike? If youre reading this buddy we really need you to let us know 

It all felt like some messed up dream, like he’d fallen asleep in detention and would wake up to a disapproving stare, and Mikey laughing at him from the hallway. 

Leo’s mind kept skirting closer to the dark pit of possibilities despite his best efforts, dipping underneath the tumultuous surface into the myriad of what if’s that lay just out of sight. Because, really, what if Mikey wasn’t being dramatic or anything as silly as that. What if he’d hurt himself? Or if Leo had somehow dug so deeply into the springboard loaded center of what made Mikey, Mikey that he’d really pushed his baby brother away entirely? Benji had seen what Leo was doing, hadn’t he? All the distancing and isolating Leo’d been putting Mikey through unconsciously by turning down all his invites, no wonder Benji was so angry. No wonder Travis had taken his side, he probably looked like an asshole from their perspective. 

He was an asshole, from every perspective. 

“I’ll give up basketball, I swear. He can have it, I won’t even complain.” Leo said to the ceiling. 

Nothing like fear of your baby brother being in genuine heart stopping peril to remove any and all traces of anger from your bloodstream, hey? 

Instead, all Leo felt was ice cold, horrible fear. What if Mikey was in pain somewhere and didn’t think he could come back? What if he’d gotten hit by a car crossing the road, or cried so hard he’d passed out on a bus and his cell phone died and he couldn’t call for help? What if Leo never saw him again? Mikey’d never vanished on them like this before, he knew how much they all worried and was so good at checking in with at least someone. 

His chest felt tight and numb and it was hard to unlock himself enough to breathe. What if the last thing Mikey ever heard from him was a slew of toxins he never meant in the first place? 

He scrambled for his phone, thinking half dazedly that maybe if he called Mike would answer, and then, and then-

The front door opened. 

“Have you found him?” Leo stood up, slightly confused but with a burst of hope alighting his chest. It was a bit soon for anyone to be home, April’s place was a bit far from the dojo, but maybe that meant good news?

The door clicked closed without reply, Leo felt a shiver run across his spine. “Donnie?” He called. 

There was a quiet sound, maybe a hitched breath. Maybe a sniffle. Leo moved towards the door as if pulled by magnets. 

“Raph? Dad? D- he’s okay, right? Come on guys, don’t leave me ha--” 

At the front door, sweater still engulfing his form, bag hanging limply from a mostly torn strap, was Michelangelo. 

____

There’s a moment, sometimes, where the world switches into a different plane. Where things become more hi definition, where there’s alarm bells and neon lights running through the thrum of each heartbeat. Where you know, for a split second before it begins, that whatever happens next will be burnt into your memory until the day you die. 

Leo shifted, carefully taking in the way Mikey stood, wrong footed and downturned and mysteriously dishevelled, and knew for a horrible second, that whatever happened next would be one of those types of moments. 

“Why d’you even care?” Mikey’s voice was mostly a whisper, hoarse in an awful way that pulled Leo up short. 

He swallowed, rooted to the spot and suddenly deeply terrified. “I-- bro, of course I do, you--” 

Mikey shook his head quickly. “I ruined stuff for you, didn’t I?” His shoulders rose, fists balling up at his sides. “I made things about me, an-and I didn’t even notice. And you said--” 

Leo reached forwards, half unconsciously, hating the way Mikey wouldn’t look at him. “Mike, I… what I said, it wasn’t--” 

“You meant it, right?” And, oh, Mikey looked up, and his eyes were swimming, red and puffy and positively devastated, and it was the most heartbreaking thing Leo had ever seen, but then.

“Mikey, are those _ bruises?! _ ” 

Mike glanced away with a sharp twist of his head, but Leo had seen it, he’d  _ seen it, _ the way Mikey’s eye was ringed in a freshly spreading purple. The smudge against his jawbone, the way his lip was already swelling. His _ baby brother. _

“Who did this to you?!” Leo had his brother in his hands before he’d even thought to, cupping his face in his palms gently, and noticing the way Mikey winced even at the gentle pressure. “Mikey, who-  _ what happened? _ ” 

Mikey batted at his hands, a bit of panic flicking into his eyes, even as they swam even more. “Leo, stop, it’s- It doesn’t matter, okay? I just, I wanted to fix things, and I messed it up more so-” 

“Wh-Mikey, what are you talking about! Of course it matters! I can’t believe- Mikey, I’ll. I’ll call Dad, and he can figure this out, and-” A horrible thought crossed Leo’s mind, a bright flash of clarity amongst the myriad of disjointed desperate hurricane of emotion tangling his throat. 

He remembered seeing Mikey at lunch, watching some kid shove him slightly as he left the room. A kid with a very familiar jacket and particular smirk.  _ I wanted to fix things.  _ Mikey’d said that last night too, hadn’t he? 

Leo stared at his little brother. The words felt like lead. 

“What did you do?”

Several emotions crossed his baby brother’s face. His brows twisted, lips twitching downwards, as he fought weakly to pull away. “I… those guys who said you fought them, they. I heard them talking, and, Leo they were gunna find you after school and- they said things, and I was just so mad, I. I said they should deal with someone who’d fight back instead, that I’d meet them if they left you alone and…”

Leo realized he really didn’t want to hear this, actually. It was because of him, of course it was. He couldn’t bring himself to stop Mikey now though, the poor kid looked like he didn’t know how to stop himself either, and he was trembling in an all over sort of way that made Leo think he was the only thing holding Mikey together anyways.

Mikey sniffled loudly, “I didn’t want to lose the play or-or any of it, but, then I thought-” he took a sharp breath, eyes flicking up to Leo’s for a moment. “Doesn’t matter what I thought. But they- I met them and I thought it would be just me and the one guy but, then all his friends showed up too and- There were so many of them.” His voice cracked. 

“N’ I remembered what Dad always says about using training for good stuff so….” 

He shrugged, and gave quite possibly the saddest, smallest laugh Leo had ever heard. 

“Guess I let them win.” 

Leo’s mind flashed with scenarios; a brave and tiny Mikey, trying to face down Leo’s bullies like it wasn’t bothering him, surrounded by an entire group of them but refusing to back down. Cornered against the cold unforgiving bricks of the school wall, far away from any of his friends or family, no one knowing where he was, but determined to right some perceived wrong by taking whatever punishment Leo had somehow managed to earn. 

And now, Mikey in front of him, bruised and  _ scared. _

Leo dropped his hands, saw the way Mikey’s eyes instantly squeezed shut, like he was preparing for some kind of angry reaction, or-or dis _ gust _ , from his _ brother _ . From Leo, like that was supposed to happen. Like Leo could possibly- could ever genuinely- 

He leaned forward and crushed Mikey to his chest.

“Never do that again,” Leo choked out. “Please, I--”

Mikey struggled, “I-I didn’t mean to! Leo you have to believe I wouldn’t- I didn’t know I was… I’m a horrible little brother, I know, I’m so sorry!” Tears splashed against Leo’s shoulder, and yep, yeah, that was the rest of his heart breaking apart. 

His chest was an entire mess, and speaking was like crawling over barbed wire. He had the sudden feeling of trying to hold an entire hourglass worth of sand between his fingers and watching it slip through the gaps to pile up on the floor. Mikey? A horrible brother? Not possible, it was Leo that had- Leo’d messed everything up and couldn’t get his brain together, and Mikey was here blaming himself for it? 

“No, no Mikey, I--” 

“I just wanted to h-hang out with you! I wanted-I mean …. I thought if we were on the team together I could,” his breath hitched in his chest and Leo felt it, he felt it right through him like he’d been shot. “I thought I’d see you more but I didn’t know you were- Leo, I’m  _ sorry _ !” Mikey sobbed. 

God, he’d just wanted to hang out? That’s what this all had been about? And Leo had- he really was the worst, wasn’t he?

“Oh, Mike…. I’m sorry, okay? Me, I’m the one that- that fucked this all up, I…” Mikey just shook his head and cried harder, if that was possible, shoulders all bunched and not hugging back just standing there like it was his punishment to endure.

Leo tried to bundle him up more, to hold all the shaking parts of Mikey together, weather the storm of whatever this was. He pressed a quick kiss to Mikey’s hair. His mind whirled, trying to process all the infinitudes of Grand Huge Mistakes Leo had made. Mikey just wanted to hang out with him, and had joined the team so they’d have an excuse to spend weekend time together in between everything else, of course that was why. Voting period was over, folks, the results were in, by popular landslide Leo was officially the scum of the earth, thanks. 

He inhaled, shaky and desperate, and pushed Mikey more firmly against his shoulder, drawing small circles on Mikey’s back with his other hand, eyes wide and scrambling for a way to explain. 

“Mike, listen okay?” His voice cracked, and he ducked his own head to nudge Mike’s. “I… I shouldn’t have said any of that, you- you’re amazing Mikey, really and genuinely, and it’s so great that people love you, ‘cause I do too an--”

Mikey leaned back, face wet with tears. “It’s not fair!” Leo froze. “They should love you too!” 

He blinked, and looked at Mikey dead on, and felt like utterly combusting himself. 

“How… don’t you get it? I mean, Mike I-” Mikey flinched, and Leo swallowed and squared himself, steel and determination against the words that burned like acid. “I was jealous. Of you. I  _ am _ jealous. I’m your big brother, but I… Mike, everyone loves you! You just, you walk in and you can do whatever you want all the time, and I- I can’t, you know? I try so hard to be like, unaffected by things but,” a frustrated noise bubbled from him and Mikey latched on to it, like he knew where Leo’s tangled thoughts were leading except Leo didn’t even really, and Mike still looked so sad.

“I know! You said,” Leo wished he’d never said anything, so, so badly. It was so like his baby brother to take all the words out and stick them to himself like those peel off bumblebee bees and lightning stars he slapped all over his helmets and kneepads. Leo didn’t realize how hard it would be to scrape back off after. 

“You- I take all this stuff from you, an-and I do, I don’t mean to, I really don’t but that doesn’t matter right?” His wide eyes were a heartbreak in high speed, and Leo couldn’t even interject, like the storm in Mikey’s flushed cheeks and hollow eyes was building to a crescendo and stolen all of the air in the room. Leo was just caught in the trajectory at this point, horribly bereft of anything other than that same awed fear of a typhoon about to make land.

“I wanted to be like you! For-for most my life actually! I… the first thing I remember? Back in um, in foster care? It was you holding all of us together, an-and rustling my hair and telling me the dad we’d just talked to had a weird moustache anyways, that- that you didn’t want that to be hair-editary or some, some goofy terrible bad joke that I didn’t get at all, but you were smiling even though I knew you were sad and- Leo I’m not strong like that! Don’t you get it! I- when Marcus cornered me today I was just scared, and I cried, and you wouldn’t have because you’re you, and I just want you _ to like me again! _ ” 

“Mike,  _ of course I like you _ , I-”

“You- you never want to hang out anymore and, and you leave, and April said you needed space but, Leo, I- Donnie ‘n Raphie are leaving and you don’t want me around and- and I just want to be enough so you’ll  _ stay _ !” Mike’s chest hitched, he shook his head and let out the most soul wrenching choked off noise of pain.

_ “I don’t want to be alone!” _

Somewhere outside of the world, some other planet where they weren’t having this exact conversation, where Leo wasn’t unravelling at lightspeed trying to patch up the wounds his baby brother was making for Leo’s sake somehow, he heard the front door open. Between the words lobbed directly at his heart, and the sudden fizzing realization that his baby brother thought his family, the one that picked itself up and glued itself together all on its own despite everything the world threw at them, was leaving him behind, Leo couldn’t have taken his eyes off Mikey if the universe itself had ceased to exist in front of him. 

Leo tried to find the words, tried to think of anything at all. Instead, the dam behind his eyes, the cracking and leaking thing scrabbling to hold itself together with duct tape and wishes, burst entirely open. Leo felt the hitch-step of his chest a millisecond before he burst into tears himself, gathering Mikey up close and pulling them both down to their knees right there in the middle of the hallway. 

“L-leo?” Mikey’s voice warbled, but Leo couldn’t possibly come to the phone right now, thank you, not with the debilitating weight of suddenly understanding Leo wasn’t dealing with anything alone at all. Never had been. Mikey and him had always been on the same side of the same chasm and Leo kept walking away from him instead of _ talking.  _ He sniffled loudly, fisting his hands in Mikey’s shirt, terrified abruptly of how fast everything was moving forward. How they’d gone from stubborn kids together who’d linked hands and decided that would have to be enough for anyone worth their time, to drifting pieces on a puzzle board that just decided to forget they fit together just fine. 

“I’m never going an-anywhere, Mike, I swear, I- god, _ I promise _ , Mike, I’m right here. I’m always- I’m  _ so sorry, I’m sorry, I-”  _

And finally, finally there it was. The lock bursting wide open, the mirror shattering in front of him in slow motion, Leo couldn’t possibly hold any of it back any longer. The sob rose in his chest with an aggression like a tidal wave, and it was all he could do to press his face more firmly into Mikey’s shoulder and let it break him apart underneath. 

After a long moment, he felt Mikey’s hands lift, and wrap just as tightly around him, scrabbling against his shirt in the same panicked lost at sea sort of feeling that was currently decimating Leo’s ribcage. For a moment, it was just him and his baby brother, and the terrified electricity between them that had finally found home. The next, it was arms and sniffles and warmth, as the rest of their family stumbled through the door and fell into place around them, like an orbit clicking back where it belonged. 

____

“So, we’re gunna talk about this, right?”

Mikey sighed, kicking his feet back and forth and looking at the ground with a furrow between his brows. 

“Do we have to?” 

Dad made a soft noise in the back of his throat, and patted Mikey’s hair gently. “My son, from what you’ve told us you were attacked, unprompted on school grounds.”

“Might I add, they cornered you and made threats about Leo? Or that this all occurred from upperclassmen who Raph’s had problems with in the past?” Don piped up. Mikey hunched his shoulders a bit more at that. 

Leo hummed softly. “Mike, you know this isn’t on you, right? I mean, they’ll probably do it again if we let ‘em.” Michael tended to be a bit too forgiving, often seeing the good in places where there was scant if at all to be found, but this seemed a little next level. 

Mikey blinked up abruptly, wide eyes round and concerned like he hadn’t considered the possibility that this wouldn’t be the end of it. “Buddy, they’re not gunna stop just because they got what they wanted. You know they won’t.” 

“No, no, I-” Mikey shook his head so hard his curls covered his eyes. “I don’t care about them, I mean. They should get in trouble, they  _ hurt  _ you! And  _ lied about it! _ ” 

“And you, Mike,” Don added again, with a tempered unhappy tense line to his mouth. 

“I-I know. It’s not that, I, I’ll tell Principal Drax everything, I will! It’s just..”

Mikey deflated all at once. Sitting on his childhood bed, surrounded by all his posters plastered behind him, the glow stars Leo and Raph spent an afternoon sticking everywhere they could reach when Mikey had been scared of the dark, he looked so small. Bruises stark and neon bright amidst a photo collage in real time of sepia toned memories. It made Leo vaguely nauseated. 

“Mikey, it doesn’t make you weak or anything you know. I’d say next time you’d be in the right to throw a punch or two back and get yourself out of there, but I know you defended yourself the best you could.” Raph gave him a faint watery smile from his place perched on the floor. He looked exhausted, too, Leo realized. “I can see you’re still taking in Dad’s defense classes, man. Bruises all on the outer arms, you did good, baby bro.” 

They all seemed to get a little weepy at the same thought, then. Raph using that gentle proud tone always meant something serious, especially when it was directed at Mikey. Leo fought the urge to get up from Mike’s desk chair and launch himself towards his brother with a thousand more apologies- they needed to clear the rest of the gunk out of the drain first before the pool party. Weird metaphor, but hey. Leo still hadn’t really slept yet, he was entitled to off the rails trains of thought probably. 

“I- I didn’t do much, just made sure they didn’t get me in the face mostly?” 

Don scoffed, leaning against the doorway more firmly. “With those meatheads? That’s impressive enough. Odds the way you say they were, you must have dodged a few pretty well.” 

Mikey shrugged, twisting his bed sheet in his hands blankly. Raph sighed. 

“Mike, you know how proud of you we all are, right? I... It kills me to think that I won’t be around to protect you next year when guys like these are there messing with you and Leo. That I wasn’t there today, either... “ He paused, and Mikey opened his mouth like he was going to object. 

“Hey, let’s not play the blame game, huh?” Leo found himself beating Mike to the punch. “I mean, we all know it’s my bad any of this went down this way to begin with so, let’s fast forward to the part where they get the hell out of my brother’s face, and his entire school hopefully.” 

Three sets of stares met him, and one pair of frowning, confused dad eyes. He shrunk slightly. “What?” 

Don let out a long sigh and shuffled away down the hallway without a word. Raph glanced between everyone in the room from behind his glasses, and Leo had the clear feeling of yet again, having stuck his own foot in his mouth somehow. 

“Leo, you-” Raph shook his head “It’s not your fault either, you realize that? Did you prompt any of them to deck you?”

“Well, no? I don’t have a thing for getting socked in the gut, thanks, but-”

“If I’m not allowed to be mad at myself neither are you,” Mikey squeaked, hands still twisting together. Leo couldn’t really argue with that, he wanted to desperately, but there was something deeply not right about telling Mikey no about anything with the tear tracks still painting his cheeks and all. He shrugged and looked back at the floor. 

Dad clapped his hands together. “I’ve heard enough, boys.”

“But-!” Mikey looked up sharply, and Dad held out a hand. 

“Normally, I’d say it was up to you, Orange, but the situation concerns me for multiple reasons. This is the second one of my boys to come home with bruises from the same group of bullies. I’ve had more than enough.”

Mike looked down, and rubbed at his arm roughly. The bruises seemed the worst there, from blocking most likely; an awful purple-blue angry shade that whorled and warped in splotches down his baby brother’s skin. It hurt to look at, but Don had assured them nothing seemed broken or hospital worthy. Not that they could really afford that anyways, but for Mikey? They’d have bustled him over in a heartbeat, waning dojo funds or not. Don had even half offered to sell some of his tech when they’d been panicked about how bad it was.

“Dad, maybe we should talk about this downstairs?” Raph offered, wincing a little as he looked Mike’s direction. The poor kid truly looked absolutely drained, outside of how banged up he was. The bullies must have managed to clock him once in the cheek, Leo could see a bit of a lump forming on the side of Mikey’s downturned mouth. 

“Get some rest, hm?” Dad placed a gentle kiss on Mikey’s brow and followed Raph out of the room, a cold, steely look Leo’d never really seen on Splinter’s face forming as he went. The door clicked behind them, and Leo took a breath. 

Leo and Mike had never really had a fight before, not a serious one anyways. Mikey tended to be one of those unintentionally abrasive kids, the type who took things without asking and hoarded and said accidentally rude things without meaning to. A left over from growing up in less than ideal conditions, Dad said, and they all had their scars in different ways from that ordeal. Mikey tended to still treat things like they’d vanish if he looked away for too long. 

Leo got frustrated with him plenty, sure, but it was hard to stay angry when Mikey would show up with a drawing ten minutes later and ask for a bedtime story. Even in the midst of their worst arguments, they’d always known how to navigate around it. This time felt… like a full silence, almost. A void that had dark matter all stuffed up inside it and no room for anything else; something you couldn’t see but weighed on you all the same in ways that were entirely unmeasurable. A big pit in the center of the room they were both awkwardly skiritng around and not looking directly at. 

It was awful. 

“I’m sorry, Mikey.” Leo closed his eyes. 

“I told you to stop apologizing, Leo.” 

Leo shrugged again. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t mess up.” 

Mikey said nothing, Leo thought about testing halls. About detention with the ticking clock hands, about Mikey being somewhere just outside about to get the stuffing beat out of him while Leo was worried about how bored he was. He thought of a big heavy air balloon slowly sinking around the horizon, and everyone staring the other direction at a sunset. Weird metaphor, he was still painfully tired, he realized. 

“Leo… do you remember that time they tried to transfer me?” 

Oh god, Leo tried everything in his power not to think about it. There’d been a horrible week, back in foster care before Dad, where Mikey was starting to come into his art talents, into his energy and enthusiasm and the stupid world full of boxes he never quite fit in. He’d been supposed to start Grade Two, or maybe Three? Got a bit confusing with all the Firsts they’d each been experiencing around then. Leo would never forget the way Mikey had pushed open the door to their shared room looking like he’d seen a ghost, all pale faced and rounded eyes and completely silent. Or the fact that it had taken a full hour for Raph to get him to explain what had him so upset in between his full on shaking and hiccups. 

_ “She wants to send me away!”  _

“It would have been good, they kept saying. All I remember is them telling me that it had classes for people who couldn’t focus too good, and um. That they were all really excited about my art, and. I just remember being so upset. You remember?” 

Leo just nodded, squeezing his eyes closed a little more. 

“I didn’t want to go anywhere you guys weren’t, I thought if they sent me somewhere else that you’d all decide I wasn’t a very good brother to have after all,” Mikey laughed sadly. “Raph was so sad when I said that.”

He remembered Raph just cradling Mikey close, the way he kept making these soothing hushing sounds trying to convince Mike to breathe properly. Raph’s big, scared dark eyes peering at him and Don in the darkness. The way Leo was torn between running downstairs for help, and being resentful that She’d done this to his brother in the first place. 

“It was goofy, and I don’t think I really believed it, you know? I think I was imagining you guys busting me out of there like an action movie or something anyways.” Mikey laughed a little, sad and uncomfortable. “Thing was, I guess. I remember you crawling up in my bunk that night and giving me a big hug, and… and telling me that I should do it.” 

Leo blinked, ice filling his veins. He didn’t remember that, he wouldn’t have suggested Mikey go anywhere, would he have? God, maybe he’d always been a horrible brother after all. 

Mikey’s stare on him was magnetic, weighted. Leo felt pinned beneath it, like a butterfly under collectors glass. “You said that, that this would be good for me. That Don had done all this research and said it would help me do better in school, that I could even get a studio and all the art supplies we couldn’t afford. But… Don and Raph didn’t know how to tell me that it would be good. That you would all miss me too much. You’d probably have been right about it, too but I… I don’t know how to be me without you guys.” He shook his head, something a little self depreciating slipping into his frame. 

Leo swallowed, his throat felt dry and cracked, he rubbed his arm absently. “I…. I didn’t want you to go, I swear. I wouldn’t have- it was- you were always so frustrated about school, and we knew you were so smart, I--” 

“Leo, I know.” Mikey smiled, all lopsided and watery. “That’s what I’m saying, bro. You…. you’ve always done what's best for me. You’ve always been the one to swallow down your hurts and-and be there for me, even if it made you sad. You’re…. You’re so selfless, Leo, in all the ways it really counts and. I think somewhere along the line I forgot how good you are at lying to yourself about it, too.”

“Wha- Mike, I-” Leo shook himself. “No, no I. Don’t call me selfless, not when- not after all of this. I ruined your entire school thing because I was being a jealous, self centered idiot, you can’t--” 

“Leonardo,” Oho, full names now? “I… I think anyone would have been upset, in your shoes. I mean, I almost got you kicked out of the basketball playoffs!” Leo winced, as much as his benching had been entirely out of Mikey’s control, it did still sting to think that coach and his teammates would have just replaced him that easy. 

“I kept waiting for you to tell me I was being too much, you know? Cause… well, I thought if I joined the play we’d have rehearsals together, but then you didn’t even audition. And I know how much you like taking pictures, so I thought hey! Yearbook, right? Except then you didn’t sign up and- I’m such an idiot, Leo. I’m the world's most oblivious brother. I realized um, a few weeks ago? When you kept turning down invites for things? Well, I thought at first you were just avoiding  _ me _ , and Benji started talking about how his big bro used to do the same thing to him and….” 

Leo blinked again, it was wild to think that months of dancing around something, with a building tension ballooning in the spaces between them, that Mikey could just say all of the things they’d been avoiding so easily. That it could fit into words at all. It felt so goofy, now. He hadn’t realized how much distance he’d been putting between them over the months, they’d never had things they didn’t say before. 

How did he miss this?

“No, Mike! I… I wasn’t avoiding you, or…” he felt his cheeks warm with shame. “At least not at first?” Mikey sort of nodded, a sad dejected tilt of the shoulder and that same sad smile. Like he was trying to pretend it was okay. Leo  _ hated _ it. He tensed his shoulders. 

“I was trying to give you space, I think? I… you’re always really good at stuff, and I knew if it was between me and you that, well. Who wouldn’t pick you, right?” He’d wanted to save himself the heartbreak of watching it happen, of being second best. Same reason he’d quit kendo, really. Some sort of twisted up fear of failing at things that kept him from trying at all. At least with the play the first time around, nobody had expected him to be good, least of all himself. But the second there was an expectation, or a measurement to compare himself to? 

Mikey somehow looked even more heartbroken at the confession. Leo shrunk a little more into himself. 

“How… how do we fix this?” Mike asked after a long moment, voice practically a whisper. 

Leo wished he knew. 

“When… next year when Donnie and Raphie leave…” Mikey started, twisting his hands together and looking up through the fringe of his curled fluff of hair. The way the sunlight cut across the room left everything golden, slatted squares of pure sunlight in between the stale air, catching dust and spinning it upwards. Leo sighed, watched the way Mike’s haloed shoulders tightened upwards, bracing. After a moment, he moved across the room, slowly sitting beside Mike on the bed.

“We’ll still be here, Mike. I’m not letting you go where I can’t annoy the hell out of you.” Mikey bumped his shoulder into Leo’s slowly, a little too carefully. 

“I think, it was with you? I think we could get through anything.” He said after a moment, with the same level of heartbreaking sincerity he’d always had. 

_ I’m not going anywher _ e, Leo thought, and left his hand upright between them. Mikey grabbed it almost instantly, unhesitatingly, like it was all he’d ever wanted. 

___________

The days passed in blistering stretches of terrible and alternating sunbursts of sort of alright, before they evened into something more manageable. 

There were office phone calls, after school appointments, a sad nervous slump of Mikey’s shoulders disappearing around closed doors here and there, followed always by Dad’s raised voice. Hallways were usually met with Raph’s larger frame practically curled around them both where possible, Donnie fiddling with something nearby with an arched but watchful eye, and a whole veritable train of Mikey’s friends when none of their brothers could be there. Leo had taken on a self assigned role of being Glued Physically and Emotionally to Mikey’s side, up until the verdict came through that their bullies were being transferred. 

They might have still been worried about repercussions, about Mikey somehow catching all the blame for inciting violence or some other ridiculous thing, if not for the fact that Donnie had gotten into the schools security footage. He’d made a point of mentioning off handedly that he had the email addresses to several choice college administration boards and would be able to email evidence fairly easily during one of their several office meetings with the boys and their parents. If the ways their faces collectively paled was an indicator (or the fact two of them burst into snivelling tears at the concept could be counted) Leo considered them all to be pretty safe. 

Not to mention their father’s explicit instructions to defend themselves should an opportunity present itself again, while flashing his Battle Nexus Champion Membership Badge rather obnoxiously the whole time. 

Dad and Don could be flat out terrifying when they wanted to be, Leo adored it.

When days settled back into a more consistent normal shape, Mikey back at his jam packed schedule and lightning footed self, Leo was more or less left alone. Which led him back to his original self assigned hurdle, one that appeared to be a lot more difficult than acquiring the right video footage, unfortunately. 

He didn’t want to be jealous, had in fact spent a while working through that emotion during the few weeks of constant Mikey time. He knew he had his own special quirks and talents all his own, no one could make a pun like him  _ thank you, _ but there was the issue of not clicking the pieces in the right places. The fact that it still seemed so obvious that everyone liked Mikey better. 

The team had baked Leo a big apology cake and planned an outing where there was lots of hair rustling and arm pats, which had done wonders for Leo’s self image, sure, but… well. Heart to heart talks with Benji aside, Leo knew he needed something bigger. A bandaid the size of New York itself to fix his wounded ego, maybe. 

Leo shouldered his bag, sliding out of detention one last time with a sort of acceptance that tasted bitter even as he tried not to let it. Everything was back to normal. Back to more of the same. 

Great, really. 

“Hey, this is my moping hallway, get your own!” A voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he blinked upwards to see a frowning girl with close cropped hair leaning towards him. She twisted her mouth, eyebrows pulling upwards. “Wait, you’re the kid who --”

Leo waited for the inevitable spew of rumor based half truths. Something about beating up a group of seniors or getting beat up by a rival group of college students, he’d heard a lot of wilder and wilder tales the past few weeks. 

“Stole my seat in detention!” She finished, poking him in the chest. “The third seat from the right has the best trajectory angle away from the air conditioner, I knew you did it on purpose!” 

Leo’s brain tripped and fell, landing exactly in the middle of bewilderment and amusement. 

“I…. did?” 

She planted her hands on her hips. “Don’t try to pretend you didn’t also notice how frigid it is in that room if you sit anywhere else! I’ve perfected the angle and have been carefully inching the desk slightly to the right for the past month, and now I have to start entirely over!” 

“Wh-” Leo couldn’t even begin to think of a reasonable response. “Sorry?” She frowned a little more, and Leo huffed out an awkward laugh. “You know though, the way I tilted the chair back today? I did notice I could almost see the reflection of whatever was playing on the teacher’s phone off the window.” 

She paused, leaning back slightly. “That…. Is an incredible development. Did it look like reruns of soap operas or --”   
  


“Lou Jitsou and the Revenge of the Grater?” they both said in unison and blinked at each other. 

Leo smiled, “Woah, no way, you’re a Lou Jitsou fan?”

“Fan? I have every single collectible arcade game and action figurine and four box set DVDs, I suppose you could call me a ‘fan’, yes,” she scoffed. 

“Every- no, you can’t- you have the dungeon crawler one?” Leo had never met anyone outside of his bro’s who appreciated Dad’s old goofy franchise things. Not even April really got it, although she was endlessly supportive because she was just cool like that. 

“Lou Jistou’s Slow Upward Climb of Death? Absolutely I do, cost me an arm and a leg but--”

“Oh my god, seriously?! That’s a collectors daydream! Not even Dad has that one!” 

She grinned, wolfishly at him, crossing her arms. “I’m good, I know. Nice to know there are other people with taste at this school. Name’s Cassandra, my friends call me Casey.”

“Leo. Nardo. Friends call me Prime Time.” 

“They do not.” 

“Okay, no, but you could make it a thing.” 

She squinted at him for a moment, before abruptly extending her hand. “Friday I was planning on marathoning the show from start to finish and beating the FPS games. Be a bit easier with a player two.” 

Leo blinked again, feeling a smile spread across his cheeks. “You’re on, Casey.” 

Maybe a few things were different, maybe that didn’t mean they had to stay entirely the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your supportive comments and for reading in general, means a lot to me! Hopefully I'll have some art to upload soon once I motivate myself to finish, but otherwise please send your thanks for this cool AU to jin for creating this world and thank you for joining me!


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